“You are not accidental. The world needs you. Without you, something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it.”
You, yeah you; whoever is reading this blog post right now. You carry such an amazing purpose to this world, whether you believe it or not.
But listen, your purpose is NOT to be the exceptional dieter and the one who will never ever in a million years miss a workout or eat a cupcake at a friends party. You shouldn’t feel that you are simply defined as the skinny person and that is your role on this earth: to just be skinny, to attain that six-pack and that label of being the clean-eating person who never in a million years would touch some french fries while out to eat because you are condemned to your typical order of a house salad, no dressing. You see, I know all of that; and I know what it’s like to feel that the only purpose you carry in this world is to be the skinny girl who has the most self-control in the world because she can turn down a freshly baked and warm chocolate chip cookie with a warm mug of hot cocoa on a cold winter day. I know for a while I felt like I lacked any purpose at all on this earth besides succeeding the best at I could at anorexia. It was like a game; except the more I succeeded at this little so-called game, the more I was actually losing in the game of life.
I never reached a point where I wanted to actually be done with this god damn eating disorder until I realized one day, “You know what?? I am tired of feeling like I have to obtain this title of the clean-eating, deathly skinny girl. I am tired of feeling like I can only succeed in diets and eating a dangerously low amount of calories a day.” And of course when I realized this it didn’t all get better in the blink of an eye, it’s all a process; recovery is just one giant self-growth and self-discovery process. But once you DO realize that you are so much more than being defined as that title, the title of the “skinny girl” then THAT is the first step, THAT is the first step toward freedom.
After I realized that, after I realized that I wasted so much time on this stupid eating disorder, I threw myself into other things. It was hard. I felt like the only thing I could succeed at was remembering how many calories a mango had or being held hostage to every single food rule I created for myself. I had doubts, I had doubts that I would never succeed in anything else and that maybe my sole purpose was to be that girl with the eating disorder. But it’s about fighting those doubts and continuing on through every little obstacle and challenge thrown at us, because if we never really try, how do we know what we are capable of?
I volunteered, I did swim team, I tried to scrapbook, I joined a bunch of clubs, I immersed myself into social activities and tried hanging out with friends far more than I ever had. I got a job. I spent time with friends and family more. I wrote. I baked. I cooked. I did yoga. I tried a bunch of new hobbies because I knew even on my hardest days that I carried a far greater purpose than that girl who would sit in the god damn corner with her food journal tallying her daily caloric intake; I knew that I was not put on this planet to do that. I could do greater things, and I was ready to.
Sure, I didn’t like all of those activities, but that’s normal. It’s all about finding what you truly like and what you actually enjoy doing. I found a huge love for yoga. I found a great passion for helping other people. I absolutely LOVE writing now. I love coloring now too and I have found a huge passion in this website and blogging. I am so passionate about helping those with eating disorders and doing anything I can do just inspire that one girl or boy out there who feels absolutely hopeless. I know that for a fact I was put on this earth to do and accomplish so much more than exercising 7 days a week and eating perfectly clean and hardly anything at all. I know for a fact that I am not meant to be defined as the emaciated skinny girl and I do not have to obtain any title related to my body- I do not want to be defined as “Alyssa, the skinny girl. Or “Alyssa, the athletic girl.” I want to be defined by my personality now, my inner characteristics that truly shape who I am; or by the hobbies that I love to do so much; THAT is how I want to be defined.
And I hope you can all realize this too. I tried to get this message out to the girls I spoke to at the recovery center last week; as this was the hardest concept I had to grasp. I know the feeling of feeling lost and confused and lacking a purpose in this big and crazy and complicated world; I know it because I’ve been there and I lacked any type of hope possible. But here I am: Alyssa, not the skinny girl who is the best calorie counter and restricter on the planet. Here I am: Alyssa, the girl that LOVES helping others, the girl that is a yogi, that girl that is so silly and loves to laugh, that girl that is unique and has tattoos and piercings that mean so much to her; the girl that loves dogs, the girl that loves to write and truly LIVE. I recognized that I carry a far greater purpose. And I know that each and every one of you reading this will find yours too. And maybe you already have, and maybe you haven’t yet; but I know that you will and you are all capable of such incredible things.
Did you struggle with feeling like the girl/boy with an ED was your main label in life?
What are your hobbies?
What are you passionate about?
Sending my love to you all! Have a great Monday guys!