Where I’m at Right Now

November 18, 2016 in About Me / College

Hi guys, long time no blog. How have all of you been??

I hope you’ve been doing well and had a great week!!

I apologize for my blogging absence. This was a really, really long week. I had three big papers and an exam, and blogging just wasn’t in the picture. To be honest, it was a hard week for me. One of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a while. And I still feel pretty drained from it.

I’d be lying to y0u all if I told you I’m doing 100% and I’m great and happy, because I’m not. I’ve been struggling a bit, I feel off. That’s why I decided to not blog this week.

My mental health kinda went down the drain these past two weeks. I haven’t been taking care of myself to the best of my ability. I’ve been prioritizing studying over sleep, haven’t been doing any self-care activities, have been crying: a lot. I feel like I’m going through the motions of life, and it’s honestly a shitty feeling. I feel flat. Drained. And nothing is really exciting me.

For those of you who don’t know, I struggled with clinical depression. I am still on an anti-depressant. Because there are chemical imbalances in my brain- and I can’t help that fact. Depression sucked. Depression still does suck. Depression and anxiety are things that I will always struggle with.

I know there are a lot of factors that are causing me to feel this way. My life has been hectic. School has been super busy, and I am all over the place trying to organize club meetings, volunteer, help other people through this blog and Instagram, hang out with friends, spend time with my boyfriend… I’m trying to do it all. I’m stretching myself pretty damn far and I know I’m feeling the effects of that.

I feel weak lately. I don’t feel as strong and I don’t feel as confident. I feel low, and I know that’s okay. Because we can’t have the highs in life without having the lows.

And that’s why I took a week off from blogging, because to be honest; I can’t keep trying to pour from an empty cup. I’m not taking care of myself to the best of my ability, so how can I try to help others and inspire them through this blog when I’m having a hard time helping myself?

I hit a lot of lows this week. Had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in a while. Had minor anxiety attacks. Cried. Felt lost, and felt numb. And it just really sucked.

I know ways to get myself out of this little rough patch, and I just have to keep trying to pull myself out of it.

Lately, not a lot has been making me excited and happy besides my boyfriend and best friends. I hardly do yoga. I don’t journal. I don’t go on nature walks, I don’t explore and adventure to new places with my friends. I don’t have time. I feel like I dread yoga. I still workout, but I only went once this week because it just wasn’t in the cards with how much work I had to do. I am just missing that spark, I am missing that excitement and that feeling I get inside my chest when I am just happy and content. I haven’t had that the past few weeks. I haven’t been praying as much, going to church as much. I just feel off.

I know that like every other rough patch I’ve been through and every other difficult time in my life, this too shall pass. Because God have I been through some shitty times. This is just a bump, this isn’t a mountain.

I need to do more things for myself. Find what ignites that spark that hasn’t been lit in a while. I need to trust that everything will be okay and work out. And I need to remind myself that it is okay to struggle. Just because I’m a blogger who talks about mental health doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to struggle and cry- it doesn’t mean that at all. I choose to be authentic and share what I am going through, because God am I far from perfect. I’ll come out stronger on the other end of this. I know I will.

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“Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night. That is how galaxies are made.” 

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54 Comments

  • Reply Marina @ A Dancer's Live-It November 18, 2016 at 3:17 pm

    I love you so much, and it’s totally okay to NOT be okay. <3 No apologies necessary! You know I'm here for you always! I know you'll find your spark again, because that's the Lyss I know and this too shall pass like you said. Love you Lyss, xoxo.

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:48 pm

      Love YOU tons. thank you marina <3

  • Reply Emily November 18, 2016 at 3:31 pm

    this: Psalm 46King James Version (KJV)

    46 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

    2 Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

    3 Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.

    4 There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.

    5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.’

    I’ve been thinking of you so much. A blogging break is SO IMPORTANT. Take as much time as you need. Hope to send you a guest post to help. <3
    Emily recently posted…WIAW: Why I Eat Ice Cream Every DayMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:49 pm

      love all of those verses, thank you so so much Em

  • Reply steffie November 18, 2016 at 3:52 pm

    My dear alyssa, you are so damn hard on yourself, I am sorry it has been so hard that school work and tests don’t come so easy for you and you demonize yourself for that struggle. But you will get through and you will do well and shine bright at the end you always do. To those bloggers who you help I hope they aprreciate your honesty you do not hide behind smiles and laughs when they are not there ,that is tough to do and be proud of that. Sometimes you are not always going to here how wonderful you are my dear, you just need to accept that you are and not try to prove it! You are my dear wonderful child always and forever! XXOO

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:50 pm

      thank you mom, I know I am. I love you and am so grateful for you!

  • Reply Sarah Barnitt November 18, 2016 at 6:39 pm

    It is OK not to be ok my dear. Your honesty is so remarkable. You DON’T have to have it together all the time and I am proud of you for doing what you need to be doing. Love you always.

  • Reply Megan November 18, 2016 at 10:59 pm

    Sending love and prayers to you girl. Thank you for being real and honest. I know how hard it is, but you have a lot of people cheering for you. Don’t give up, just take it one day at a time <3
    Megan recently posted…6 Hours in Downtown PhoenixMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:52 pm

      Thank you so much Megan, your prayers mean the world to me <3

  • Reply Taylor November 18, 2016 at 10:59 pm

    Love love love your honesty. Truly, all of the feelings you expressed I have felt at some point in the last year too. It has been a really rough one for me. I really admire your openness and willingness to share your struggles with all of us. You are in a very emotionally challenging stage of life trying to do it all (I felt the same feelings often in college) and just know you are not the only one. Many of us struggle like you do. You are never alone. I’m always here if you need a friend. XOXOXO
    Taylor recently posted…Friday FavoritesMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:53 pm

      It is reassuring to know that I am no the only one feeling this and going through a challenging time… thank you so much Taylor for being there for me. xoxo

  • Reply Megan Hallier November 19, 2016 at 6:51 am

    I’m sending a bunch of hugs your way right now. Gosh I can relate to that feeling of being overwhelmed but unenthusiastic about life. I often feel silly for making a fuss about my stress or the sadness in my life because I know it must pale in comparison to what others are going through. So if you do that too…I hope you know that your problems and hurt is valid and you are loved no matter what! <3
    Megan Hallier recently posted…The week in reviewMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:54 pm

      I do struggle with doing that Megan… thank you so much for your sweet words love

  • Reply Melanie November 20, 2016 at 5:41 pm

    Alyssa, I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now. This is just a bump in the road and I’m sure things will get better very soon. You’re such a strong person and you will get through it. Remember it is always more than okay to take a break from things (blogging, clubs, etc). I had to leave work last Spring to take care of my mental and physical health and it was very much needed. Sometimes we have to put a hold on things to put our health first. <3 Sending you lots of love
    Isaiah 40: 31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:54 pm

      Thank you Melanie. YOU are a strong person as well. It is okay to take a break like you said and I need to remind myself of that. Thank you for your sweet words, I am blessed to have you in my life!

  • Reply Sarah November 20, 2016 at 8:32 pm

    Sending love for you my friend. I always tend to feel burned out toward the end of the semester. I hope that you can get some rest and have some fun this week. Sometimes, to get out of a funk you just have to “act as if” and force yourself to do things you know you’ve enjoyed in the past (yoga, coloring, journaling going for walk etc.). In my experience when I am able to just get out of my own head my hard days end up being much better.
    Sarah recently posted…WIAW: Sharing My Day in MealsMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:55 pm

      I am picking up journaling and coloring again- both things are SO therapeutic for me. Getting out of our heads is so tough but is SO possible. Ily!

  • Reply Liv @ Healthy Liv November 21, 2016 at 2:11 am

    So sorry to hear about your rough week, Lyss. 3 papers and an exam will do that to anyone and it sounds like you’ve had other stuff to deal with along with that. Sending good thoughts your way and just said a quick prayer for strength for you!
    Liv @ Healthy Liv recently posted…Cheesy One-Skillet Baked ZitiMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:56 pm

      Thank you for the good thoughts and prayers liv- that means the world to me!

  • Reply Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar November 21, 2016 at 2:35 am

    You are 100% right, of course–just because you are a blogger who writes about mental health does not mean that you’re not “allowed” to have your struggles. I think it makes you a better blogger when you are willing to share those struggles. And college is such a stressful time–students are asked to push themselves so so hard. Hang in there, and don’t feel bad about needing to take some time away from the blog world.
    Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…A Low-FODMAP ThanksgivingMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:57 pm

      Thank you Joyce- you are right that college is a tough time for everyone. It is a time of stress and endless obligations…

  • Reply Claire at My Pink & Green Life November 21, 2016 at 3:43 am

    Like so many other people have said: it’s okay not to be okay. My mental health has also been down the drain this past week, and it is just so important to remember that sometimes picking ourselves up again takes time. It’s not a simple mind reset. So we need to be SO easy on ourselves. Love you, Alyssa! <3
    Claire at My Pink & Green Life recently posted…Living SmallerMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:58 pm

      I am sorry to hear that Claire, but we are in this together. We can overcome our obstacles. Picking ourselves up does take time- you are so right in that. Love you beautiful!

  • Reply Kristy from Southern In Law November 21, 2016 at 5:36 am

    Oh, sweet girl! Take all the time you need because you need to look after YOU! Forget about blogging and getting posts up and pinning or instagramming or anything and focus on maintaining you! <3
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Recipe: Healthy Caramel Apple Muffins (Gluten Free)My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 24, 2016 at 11:58 pm

      Thank you so much Kristy <3 xoxo

  • Reply MICHAEL BRANDON November 21, 2016 at 10:29 am

    So sorry to hear you’re having to struggle with so many things now 🙁
    Please be brave my girl ! Sometimes it is totally ok to feel depressed ! But you have to overcome it as soon as possible by changing your mind as well as keep moving forward !
    Take a deep breath and thinking about optimistic things around you now !
    Take care Lyss ! Hope to hear you will be OK soon my girl !

    • Reply Alyssa November 25, 2016 at 12:00 am

      Thank you for your sweet words. You are so right- focusing on the optimistic things around me right now will help me tremendously. Thank you again for your kindness!

  • Reply Heather @ Polyglot Jot November 21, 2016 at 1:22 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re going through a rough patch. I felt the same way a few months ago and was struggling in almost every area of life. Time to myself, time with God, time with loved ones, and allowing myself relaxing times away from the computer really helped me. I’ll be praying for you. Enjoy this Thanksgiving with your family!
    Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…Weekend BrunchMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 25, 2016 at 12:01 am

      I agree that taking time away from the computer and to just be will do me well. thank you so much Heather- I hope you enjoyed your thanksgiving!

  • Reply Kate November 21, 2016 at 1:58 pm

    My heart goes out to you girl. Sophomore year was so busy for me it had me drained daily. After that year I decided to focus on one to two things I really cared about and let other things go rather than trying to do so many things. I think it’s so important to have at least one or two nights free to just be and not have something to do.
    I hope thanksgiving break is a refuge for you. He is with you.
    Kate recently posted…Are you emotionally hungry ?My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 25, 2016 at 12:02 am

      Sophomore year has been.. so much different than freshmen year to say the least. I need to work on that-clearing up my schedule to have a free night or two.

  • Reply Cora November 21, 2016 at 6:42 pm

    Beautiful Lyss – you are hurting right now. And so I’m hurting a long with you knowing you are feeling that awful sense of fatigue (that is so much more than just “post work out” fatigue) and lack of interest and spark. But you are allowed to feel this and your feelings are valid. I wish I could take you out to one of your favorite coffee shops so we could get soy lattes and just sit there.. maybe in silence.. or maybe talking about life and all the hard things and then all the good things. Like you said, know that this will pass, but don’t brush it off either. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. Take care of yourself in whatever way feels best in the moment and know you are loved. You can’t help others until you’ve put on your own life vest first. Thinking of you <3 <3

    • Reply Alyssa November 25, 2016 at 12:04 am

      I wish I could grab a soy latte with you Cora- that would be amazing. <3 You are right- I need to feel what I am feeling. That is therapeutic in itself. Thank you for your sweet words and being so wonderful. xoxo

  • Reply Ellie Pell November 22, 2016 at 12:36 am

    I’ll keep you in my prayers Lyss. I love reading your blog, but not at the expense of your mental health. You got this 🙂
    Ellie Pell recently posted…26.2 Miles on the TreadmillMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 25, 2016 at 12:04 am

      Thank you for your prayers Ellie, xoxo

  • Reply Edye November 22, 2016 at 1:55 am

    Sending prayers and virtual hugs your way! Hopefully this week will look up for you <3
    Edye recently posted…Celebrating the holidays with StickerAppMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 25, 2016 at 12:05 am

      Thank you so much Edye for your prayers <3

  • Reply Emily November 22, 2016 at 3:38 am

    Everything will be fine girl, you are not alone in this.
    We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.
    When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.
    Be brave. <3

    • Reply Alyssa November 25, 2016 at 12:06 am

      I am SO thankful to have you by my side through this Emily. Bless you girl, you are incredible

  • Reply Barbara J. Silverman November 22, 2016 at 4:14 am

    You’re not alone in this.
    We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.
    Be brave girl.

    • Reply Alyssa November 25, 2016 at 12:07 am

      Thank you for your sweet words and kindness Barbara <3 xoxo

  • Reply Cayanne Marcus @healthyezsweet November 22, 2016 at 5:49 am

    Here for you whenever you need to talk lovely. So proud of you for recognizing you needed a break, even if it followed a burn out. You are your biggest priority – never forget that xoxo
    Cayanne Marcus @healthyezsweet recently posted…Nobody Cares What Your Number IsMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 25, 2016 at 12:07 am

      I love you Cayanne- thank you tons and tons sweet gal. You are the best

  • Reply Julia @ Drops of Jules November 22, 2016 at 4:45 pm

    My love, I don’t know if we’ve ever exchanged cell numbers, but I want you to know you can reach out to me at any time at all. Always here.
    Julia @ Drops of Jules recently posted…With Intentions to Write…My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 25, 2016 at 12:08 am

      Aw Julia- that means so so much to me. I love you girl! You are incredible

  • Reply Betty November 25, 2016 at 6:39 am

    Honestly love your post and love you 🙂 You are so incredible. I agree that you should take time for yourself to do what you want. Take care and God bless you. Love ya,

    • Reply Alyssa November 28, 2016 at 4:20 am

      Thank you SO much Betty<3 you are so so sweet, thank you love

  • Reply Stephanie Leduc November 25, 2016 at 11:26 pm

    There is no doubt you will bounce back from this shining brighter than ever! Those rough weeks suck, but don’t beat yourself up for not working out, going on walks or doing yoga. Some weeks are just kinda sucky and other things take the priority, but it’s just ONE week, so you can do it :).
    Stephanie Leduc recently posted…Rambling on a Cold Winter Day: Spa retreats, Books and Awesome Food!My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa November 28, 2016 at 4:21 am

      you are right, I shouldn’t be beating myself up for that. Thank you for your support Steph <3

  • Reply Jack November 28, 2016 at 8:41 am

    No apologies necessary. You had a tough week and you pass it already. *hug*.Everyone has their own dark before shining dear. May be you can take a walk, listen some piano song or even lay in bed with a hot chocolate sometimes

    • Reply Alyssa November 30, 2016 at 3:04 pm

      thank you so much Jack for your kind words <3 means a lot to me!

  • Reply Richard Friesen November 28, 2016 at 5:12 pm

    Sometimes your feelings just need a rest, you don’t feel like doing anything for yourself. I think it’s absolutely normal, girl.
    I feel so many emotions in your post, you must have a really warm, sensitive heart and soul :). Be strong and stay cool whatever happens. You have so many readers care about you, I believe that.

  • Reply Alyssa November 30, 2016 at 3:05 pm

    thank you Richard! so true that our feelings just need a rest sometimes. thank you so much for your kind words <3

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