Hi all!! Happy Monday. So happy to be writing today. I do feel so refreshed while writing this (currently Sunday night and still at home)! This break has been a good one and I feel like it’s exactly what I needed. Time away, time to recharge, time to pray, time to do things for me. It was truly a Godsend.
Thanksgiving was so nice. I enjoyed the time with my family. I got to see my best friends from high school, get back into reading the Bible, go to yoga, get in some good workouts, and spend time with my family. And I am SO grateful I got to do all of that.
I know that my blog hasn’t been all rainbows and butterflies lately and all happy and joyful, but the thing is I’m not sorry for that. Because life isn’t always happy and perfect, and that’s what makes life beautiful. That bumps in the road that we overcome and those low points that we dig ourselves out of- those points are where we grow the most.
I did a lot of reflecting over break, a lot of journaling and writing to figure out more why I have been depressed lately and what I can do to actively fix it (besides seeing my therapist of course).
One of the things I realized is that I feel this overwhelming pressure to please people. And I want everyone to be happy with me- I never want to let others down. But the thing is, by doing this, I’m forgetting to please myself- and I’m letting myself down.
Here’s a piece from my journal Friday night:
“stop trying to please people. stop. if you don’t want to hang out with certain people you don’t have to. you need to start putting yourself first. its no wonder you cry so much lately because you put so much god damn pressure on yourself to please every person out there that you’re forgetting about pleasing yourself. Jeez what if you took the time you spent trying to please everyone into trying to do one nice thing for yourself? whether it’s once a week or a few times a week or one small thing a day. Color. Make yourself your favorite tea. Take yourself to yoga. Buy yourself a smoothie. Adventure to a new coffee shop. Adventure to Starbucks. Write. Write until your hand hurts. Work on you. You need that right now.”
I really did a lot of reflecting on this. One of the problems with why I have been more sad lately is because I get 0 me time. I know myself, and when I don’t have time to reflect on how I’m doing/take time for self-care, my mental health takes a downward spiral. And I was thinking this break how I can take more time for myself in a positive way. Maybe instead of scrolling through the Instagram explore page for 10 minutes I can listen to my favorite playlist and color, or I can listen to part of a podcast and put my phone down and just be mindful in the moment. Instead of those 10 minutes on Instagram I can take 10 minutes to write out some of my favorite quotes or 10 minutes to pray. I know I need to do mindless things because that is SO healthy, but I also know that I need more time to pray and more time to do things that are good for my soul. And in college, you don’t have time for it all. So you have to sculpt it in somehow, and that’s one way I want to do it.
This also got me thinking about how I would have a bit more time if I listened to what I want to do rather than do what I feel like I should do. There is a HUGE difference there: because what I want to do needs to come first and I have to take that pressure off myself to do what I feel like I should do, because I know what is best for me at the end of the day. And for me personally, it’s hard to not try and please everyone. I hate when people are upset with me and I hate having to cancel a plan. But I need to realize that is okay. That is 100% completely okay. I don’t have to hang out with people that I don’t feel like hanging out with that day. I can get my food to go and eat in my room and watch Netflix. I don’t always need to have a plan with someone. I can take that time I have during a meal and use that as self-care time. And it is okay if someone gets a bit frustrated with me for doing that. I have to stop caring so much and just remember that I need to start caring more about myself and my own needs.
“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” -Paulo Coelho
It is okay to say no. It is 100%, completely and totally okay to say no sometimes. It is healthy to do that. I need to more cognizant of why I am saying yes to things: is it to please that person? Or is because I actually want to do or go wherever they are going? When I say yes to someone, am I actually saying no to myself?
I guess it scares me too saying no, because I don’t want people to not like me. That will always scare me. Freshmen and sophomore year of high school I hardly had any friends because I was so trapped in my eating disorder. And to be honest it still scares me that the same scenario will happen again one day. I don’t have a lot of best friends. I have 3 people at college I consider my best friends. And I have a few other friends as well, but not best best friends. The thing is, my best friends will understand. They get me and know me- they want me to be happy. And I am so thankful for that in itself. And I pray to God that I meet a few more girls like that and who are like myself throughout this year too, and that God will open my eyes to some new souls I have never even met before.
“Today I shall be doing something that I don’t normally do- I”m putting ME first.”
We need to remember to put ourselves first. We aren’t selfish for that at ALL. We are smart for doing that. Because in order to be able to help others and spread that love we all have within us, we need to make sure that we are giving that love to ourselves.
Thank you all for the love and prayers you have given me these past 2 weeks. I truly cannot thank you enough and this blogging community for all you do for me. I am eternally grateful for each and every one of you!
Tell me any thoughts you have on this. I would love to hear them! And I would love to hear about your Thanksgivings too if ya wanna leave a comment about that. 🙂
I hope you all have a wonderful Monday! Stay positive and remember that y’all can overcome anythingggg!!
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