Hi guys and happy Thursday! Going to be sharing some thoughts today as it is Thursday. Thank you Amanda for letting me share what’s on my mind today and the link up!
A touchy subject, I know. But this blog is all about being vulnerable and sharing my story in hopes of helping others; in hopes of showing others that there is hope through our hardest times in life. So, here we go.
ALSO: This post does contain triggering thoughts and behaviors that I once had in the midst of my eating disorder. If you are currently struggling or are on the path to recovery yet can easily be triggered; please do not read. Put yourself first and your health first- that is ALWAYS the most important thing.
Laxatives. Yeah, I know. Most people think- ew… poop. And honestly, I did at first too.
But with restriction came constipation, and with restriction came some pretty icky stomach problems. I mean, if you aren’t eating, you’re going to have a pretty hard time going poop. Simple as that. If there is barely any food going through your body, there’s going to be barely anything coming out. But for me, and the disordered side of myself coming out and trying to be the healthiest version of myself I could be, I read somewhere that you should poop once a day. And if you didn’t, you could gain weight. So, as I began to have some stomach issues, and as I began to become more constipated; I told my doctor and he prescribed me Miralax. You know, that little powdered stuff you put in your drink, he said that would do the trick. This was at the beginning of the restrictive cycle. So I took the Miralax as prescribed and it worked and got the job done.
But then, I began to restrict more. Because you know, that’s just how anorexia works. It just keeps going, the little game of eating less and less just continues on. So after a few months, and with a decreased intake and doctors getting involved and the official diagnosis of anorexia nervosa, this little powdered poop medicine didn’t work anymore. Fast forward a few months- a little glimpse of hope, a path on the track to recovery. Eating more, and my constipation lessened. Now let’s fast forward a little more; let’s fast forward to January of my sophomore year of high school. Back into the full-blown restrictive tendencies. Still taking Miralax, but now taking more, because with restriction comes constipation. But now? Now I found another thing to help. Another thing to help me empty out my system and help me feel lighter, because that was my top priority-feeling lighter, feeling smaller. I found a laxative pill called Dulcolax. And these pills became my eating disorders partner in crime! These along with Miralax were the ultimate dynamic duo for my eating disorder. So when I didn’t go to the bathroom “enough” I would pop one of these handy-dandy laxative pills. It started as just one on the occasion, but then as time progressed, as I played this little game of eating less and less; it increased. It became one a day. A month later it became two a day. Sometimes, if I felt gross from what I ate the day before, it became 4 a day. Alongside my Miralax of course. And now, taking the Miralax twice a day. Two full caps. Let’s fast forward to June of my sophomore year. Restrictive tendencies in full-swing, and the laxative abuse in full-swing as well. I would take these pills like candy. I didn’t care if I would be shitting my brains out in the bathroom stall at school. I needed to have the food out of my system, I needed to feel empty. Sometimes 10 pills a day. Alongside my two caps of Miralax. And in July, a new high- 12 Dulcolax pills a day along with my Miralax. With all of these laxatives came more weight loss; of course. With all of these laxatives alongside extreme restriction came dizziness, fatigue, and dehydration. Towards the middle of July, I began to have seizures and was very shaky. But the thing is, the thing is with an eating disorder and any kind of addiction; you just can’t stop- that little game I was talking about? That little game of eating less and less, that game applied to my laxative addiction as well. The game of seeing how many pills I could take and how many caps of Miralax I could down; the game of seeing how quickly I could empty out all the food in my system. But by engaging in this game, I was also stuck on the line of life and death. And I thank god everyday I got help the end of that July, because if I waited any longer than that day; I might not be here right now sharing my story. The laxative abuse took a toll on my digestion and organs that I don’t know will every be fully repaired. In treatment, I obviously stopped taking the pills. It took me 2 full weeks to poop after I stopped taking those Dulcolax. I was put on all natural constipation medicine. And to this day, I still have to take constipation medicine- but I NEVER take more than prescribed. I take a stool softener and a cap of Miralax a day. Because of anorexia and this laxative abuse, a diagnosis IBS (also genetic) was made and I still have a pretty wacky digestive system to this day. But like anything, I have learned to cope. And with recovery from anorexia helped me to understand that laxative abuse is seriously detrimental to one’s health. Now, I don’t take a poop every day; and I recognize that is okay. My medicine does help with my digestion and how often I go, but I do not feel the need to go every day or multiple times a day just to empty out my system. With recovery I have learned how to treat myself and my body; and shoving laxative pills down my throat and endless caps of Miralax is not a way to treat your body; it is not a way to give your body the love and respect it deserves.
Laxative abuse is a topic that isn’t talked about a lot I feel like because many think it is gross. But it is one of the issues that come along with eating disorders. It is a real thing, and it is prevalent in our society and among those suffering from eating disorders. And like recovery from an eating disorder is possible, recovery from laxative abuse IS possible.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.”
Recovery in general IS possible and attainable.
Thank you for listening to my story and struggles with this, and thank you for always reading and listening. I love you guys so much, never forget how incredible you are!
Hope you are having a great week guys.
Sending my love as always.
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