Hi guys and happy Thursday! Going to be sharing some thoughts today as it is Thursday. Thank you Amanda for letting me share what’s on my mind today and the link up!
I break every food rule in the book.
So, there really isn’t a book- but ya get what I’m sayin. I break the food rules of society. I break the food rules of the health industry. I break every rule I used to enforce for myself. Because I believed that these were all true. And I believed that if I didn’t follow these food rules; that I would balloon up-that I would become “disgusting” and “fat” and even more worthless than I believed I already was.
Well, as I am sitting here this Wednesday night writing this, I can tell you that I just broke one of the food rules that some deem is “bad” for you. I just ate a snack at 9:00 p.m. OMG- but that’s past 7:00 p.m!! And guess what the snack was… crackers and a banana. DOUBLE OMG- CARBS!! NO carbs after 7:00 p.m. either!! This is how I lived my life for three years. Victim to this and many other food rules that were engrained into my brain as being correct and that I believed would help me be the skinniest and healthiest version of myself. And the funny thing is? I thought I was living during these three years because I was convinced that by following these rules I would get a smaller body, and a smaller body was equivalent to happiness for me. But each and every freaking day I obeyed these rules, it was like I was becoming prisoner- prisoner to my mind, prisoner to these rules, prisoner to the thoughts in my brain. I couldn’t escape; it was like being trapped behind bars. And each and every day I followed these rules because I believed they would lead me on the path to happiness; yet in reality, these rules just led me on downward detrimental spiral of depression and feelings of worthlessness about myself and body.
No eating after 7:00 p.m. Fats make you fat. Organic foods only. Fruit has too much sugar. No junk food. Limit dairy. Limit carbs. Only drink water. Measure every single thing. Count your calories- write them down too so you don’t forget them. Don’t eat the same thing twice in one day. Always pick low-calorie and low-fat options.
These were just some of the food rules that I was victim too. I made sure to follow these rules every single damn day. These rules would be followed precisely. Following these rules gave me a sense of control; gave me a sense of relief that I wouldn’t become that dreaded “F” word. But with recovery and with treatment I began to realize how stupid these food rules were. And how I thought I had such complete control when in reality, my brain was controlling me. I lacked every inch of power I thought I had regarding food because heck, it was controlling me! It was controlling my thoughts, it was controlling my decisions, it was controlling my mood. I never had any control-it was in the hands of my eating disorder the whole time.
“You deserve love+care from yourself.”
So now? I eat after 7:00 p.m. Heck, I’ll eat at 2:00 a.m. now if I’m out with friends or coming home from a night out. I always eat after 7:00 p.m. now. I love having a snack before bed. And now? I eat all the fats- because fats do NOT make you fat friends. That’s the biggest BS. I eat my peanut butter and I eat my almond butter; I eat my avocados and my full-fat/full-calorie salad dressing; I eat my trail mix and I eat my cream cheese. And now? I don’t eat all organic anymore. I eat tons of fruit because I love it. I eat my fair share or “junk food.” Another thing- I don’t only drink water anymore. Bring on the coffee and the lattes, bring on the juice and the almond milk. And now? I don’t measure anything anymore unless it’s for a recipe or I am baking something. I don’t count calories. I eat the same thing more than once in a day. I never intentionally pick low-calorie or low-fat options. I break every single food rule that I used to follow so rigidly; I break every single one of these rules. I break some of those rules that the health-nuts claim to be true; I don’t follow any rules regarding what I eat. And guess what- I didn’t balloon up when I broke these food rules, I didn’t become disgusting and I didn’t become that dreaded “F” word that so many people in society fear. I didn’t become gross and I didn’t feel more worthless when I broke these rules; in fact, I felt genuine happiness and freedom. I felt alive. A feeling I hadn’t felt for a long time. I felt like I was actually living, not just going through the day-to-day monotony of commanding the orders of my eating disorder and these food rules. I felt alive and I felt free.
And if you ask me, that’s how it should be. Because if we create these food rules for ourselves, if we don’t allow ourselves to eat a certain thing or we don’t eat even though we are starving and it’s past 7:00 p.m., then isn’t that just letting food control you?? If you create and follow these food rules, then you aren’t living. You are not living free from your eating disorder, you are not living a life with a healthy relationship surrounding food. Surrendering yourself free from these food rules doesn’t make you weak; surrendering yourself free from these food rules doesn’t mean that you lack control and are powerless- in fact, it means quite the opposite. It means that you are strong. You are strong for putting yourself and your happiness first. You are strong for taking charge and not letting food and your eating disorder be the commander of your life. You are strong, you are in control now; not the food and your eating disorder. And when you are in control, you have the power to do some pretty amazing things with your life.
“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”
Take that step. Break those food rules. Break these rules that you hold so heavily and tightly upon yourself. Let go of them. Allow yourself to live. Allow yourself to take charge- to take charge of your life, to take charge of your happiness. Let yourself live a life free from the grips of food and calories and numbers. Because a life free from that is possible.
No questions today, but I would love to hear your thoughts on this post! Thank you so much for reading.
Hope you guys have a great day!
Sending my love as always.
Facebook: Blissful Lyss