The day I threw out the scale

March 28, 2016 in Recovery

Hi guys and happy Monday! I don’t have class today, but today will be a day spent doing homework and some last minute things before heading back to campus! Hope you all had a lovely weekend and a great Easter!

Today, we’re going to be talking about something a little deeper, something a little more intense than just a weekend recap because I love writing about this kinda stuff; I love sharing my experiences with each and every step, big or small, along my journey to recovery because by talking about it awareness is being brought to it, and by talking about it we are sparking a discussion. We are removing the stigma around eating disorders and I hope by sharing my experiences, I can help just one soul out there.

The day I threw out the scale. The thing is, I actually didn’t throw it out: my mom did. When I was 14 years old. 14 years old and I had already spent a year obsessed with what that number said. A young girl, a young teen who was supposed to be out there having fun and meeting new friends, trying different sports, talking about boys at sleepovers. But I became fixated on what the number on that scale said. The day I started weighing myself when I was 13 was the day where I also met a little friend in that bathroom, a little friend named Ana. Anorexia was her long name, but we can just call her Ana for short. I would always have to visit her in that bathroom. Every single day, soon twice a day then three times a time. She was the best friend that no one knew about.

imgres.jpg

14 year old Alyssa didn’t feel beautiful. The only feeling of confidence she felt was when that number on the scale dropped. 

After my mom threw out my scale, I found other ways to find out my weight. She thought she could ruin Ana and I’s friendship, but boy was she wrong! There was the scale at the gym, there was the scale at the doctor’s office, there was one in the school’s locker room. They were in so many places. Even though the scale was thrown in that garbage can at the beginning of my eating disorder, I found other ways to know my weight; and I let this number on the scale dominate me, I let it possess me: bringing me down, bringing me to only my darkest times.

When the scale was thrown out, I did not weigh myself as obsessively as I once had which was most definitely a positive thing. But when I was aware of this number, and when it did change: eating disorder behaviors were without a doubt used in full effect. I remember being 15 and seeing my weight for the first time in a while at the doctor’s. It was at it’s absolute lowest and of course that made my best friend Ana happy, but only for about 10 minutes. Because the thing is? No matter how low the number on that scale was, I still felt absolutely worthless, I still felt like nothing. Fast forward to when I was almost 17 years old. Giving treatment another shot after practically being on my death bed. My weight at an all time low. I felt like I was doing something right; but I felt like I could be doing more to get smaller, I could be doing more to make Ana happy. And the thing with this obsession with the number on the scale? It would never be low enough. It would never be low enough to please me, it would most certainly never be low enough to please Ana.

The relationship with myself and the scale was a rocky one for sure. It is absolutely mind-blowing that something so small had such a large impact on my life. In residential and partial day treatment, I obviously was not aware of the number on the scale as we were blindly-weighed. But when I entered intensive outpatient, we were aware of our weights. Seeing that number go up on the scale each week was incredibly tough, feeling my body change was uncomfortable. It was hard as hell and I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you and say that it was easy because I knew that recovery would be worth it, because I didn’t know that at the time- I had no idea if any of that was true. So I saw that number rise until I reached my “goal weight,” and I dealt with the discomfort.

Almost three full years have passed since I was entered into treatment for the second time. To this day, I do not own a scale, and I have absolutely no desire in ever getting one. The thing is, I have discovered that as cheesy as this sounds, the number on the scale is not going to define how I feel about myself. Because when it was at an all time low, I didn’t feel happy and I didn’t love my body at all. I felt miserable and depressed. When I go into the doctor’s, I ask not to know my weight, but sometimes different doctor’s say it anyways. And I’m okay with that! The number may be up one day. The number may be down a different day. But that’s just our bodies, that’s just life. We are constantly changing, constantly evolving and developing. I have come to the point in life where I feel that I have truly made peace with this scale, where I decided that Ana was not a friend to me at all; where that scale took up nothing but frivolous space in my bathroom, where that scale doesn’t need to have any sort of place in my life.

It wasn’t easy coming to this point. It was tough, it was hard. Our society is infatuated with the number on that scale. People talk about it so damn much. But you know what? Just because someone else is talking about it and weighing themselves doesn’t mean you have to too! Just because someone else feels that their self-worth will come from the number on the scale doesn’t mean you have to adhere to that belief too! I absolutely love my body now. And in my opinion, the love that you give your body, that unconditional love and promise to take care of it; to show it the respect it deserves, to accept those cute little tummy rolls, to get up in the morning and put on those jeans and feel HOT in them; that is way more important than anything that number on the scale will tell you. THAT is so, so much more valuable and meaningful. How you feel about yourself will not be shown on that scale. Feeling positively about yourself and loving your body is all you need, you do NOT need a number to give you validation to feel confident about yourself and body.

imgres.png

“The scale can only tell you what you weigh; NOT who you are.”

1d610d14404c42dcd2f790697cd674cc.jpg

“Get off that scale… The scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!”

The scale cannot measure beauty, it cannot measure talent. Stop giving power to such a petty thing, stop putting your happiness and the way you feel about yourself in something so impotent and insignificant. Let your confidence and happiness come from WITHIN and never, ever put it in the power of a scale or other individuals for that matter. The day you realize that how you feel about yourself, how you feel about your body and that loving yourself unconditionally IS in fact possible; that will be one pretty amazing day if you ask me.

Throw out that scale, stop weighing yourself religiously, stop caring about numbers, stop letting them influence your happiness and joy.

tumblr_mzo64hm3F21r2zyogo1_250.gif

“You are beautiful, no matter what you weigh.”

Thank you so much for reading guys! Appreciate each and every one of you and all of your kind words and support. Incredibly thankful for this blogging community!

No questions today, but would love to hear your thoughts about this post! Have a great Monday friends. <3

Sending my love as always.

Xoxo

Lyss<3

Stay connected:

Facebook: Blissful Lyss

Instagram: blissful_lyss29

Pinterest: blissful_lyss29

Twitter: alyssac1129

 

Share This Post

You Might Also Like

34 Comments

  • Reply Emily March 28, 2016 at 5:44 am

    YES, it’s amazing how much I let the scale become my god when the living and true God is the only One who sent His Son Jesus Christ, both God and man, to save me from eternal hell and destruction. Why would I worship a scale that can’t save me or do anything for me? It’s not wrong to have a scale, but for me, it was and still is too much a god, and by God’s grace, it’s a daily journey away from that idol. He is so much more worthy of our worship. <333 Thankful for this post. <333 It came at just the right time. God's timing is perfect.

    • Reply Alyssa March 28, 2016 at 2:18 pm

      Love how you said that worshiping a scale can’t save you- that is SO true!! Thank you for your kind words and love Emily. Blessed to have a friend like you!

  • Reply Marina @ A Dancer's Live-It March 28, 2016 at 11:42 am

    Amazing and so incredibly inspiring as always Lyss. I hate scales. Last year, my roommate kept a scale in our bathroom and it would always stare me in the face. I was drawn to it like a magnet; it SUCKED! I also remember being weighed every week at the nutritionist and HATED seeing the number go up. There really is no way to get around the discomfort of that, but then you realize that you’re helping your body again and you move on! I don’t own a scale either and I never will. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and strength, you are truly a warrior! Sending love <3

    • Reply Alyssa March 28, 2016 at 1:33 pm

      Exactly- so true that when you realize you are helping your body again the scale doesn’t hold such a high power! Thank you for your kind words Marina, YOU are such a warrior as well! Love you girly!

  • Reply Jessie March 28, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    Thanks for this Lyss! It is so true, I often think about it when I’m feeling body conscious from restoring just how MISERABLE I was at my smallest, and I remember having moments of clarity when I was really sick that I thought I would give anything to be the size I used to be again and get my happiness back. I have yet to find out my weight since restoring and choosing recovery, and you know what I honestly don’t think I will! It doesn’t change my life what so ever so why should I know? Who cares? I wake up every morning as Jessie and not a number!

    • Reply Alyssa March 28, 2016 at 2:17 pm

      I am so proud of you Jessie!! That number does NOT change your life- you are going to wake up the same Jessie for sure, and this number should never have any power over you! So proud of how far you have come girl!! <3

  • Reply Lynne March 28, 2016 at 1:33 pm

    As always Lyss, a beautiful, honest post. You have no idea how inspiring you are.

    Lyss, I know you are busy with studying and stuff, but I have nominated you for the Three Day Quote Challenge. Please stop by at my blog and check it out. There is no major pressure. 🙂 but I would love it if you could do it. https://lynnesrecipetrails.com/2016/03/28/quote-of-the-day-challenge-day-one-3/

    Have a great week. x

    • Reply Alyssa March 28, 2016 at 1:34 pm

      Aw Lynne, thank you for your kind words. You are so inspiring as well. And thank you so much for nominating me for that! I will be sure to check it out 🙂 Have a happy start to your week! Sending lots of love

  • Reply Kate March 28, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    Thank you for sharing Lyss. Such an important topic.
    The scale never made me feel good. If it was high or low I felt anxiety. When it was low I just felt like I wouldn’t be able to maintain it.
    The crazy thing is that it is so arbitrary. It’s literally a number that can fluctuate so easily! I’ve put my worth in it for a long time, but thankfully I am free from that. I am working towards the point of having zero emotional response to the number. That is my goal!

    • Reply Alyssa March 28, 2016 at 2:01 pm

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read, Kate! The scale brought me a lot of unneeded anxiety. You are so right about it being so arbitrary. I am glad that you no longer put your worth in it, and having zero emotional response to that number is such an awesome goal!! Have a happy Monday! <3

  • Reply Sarah @ BucketListTummy March 28, 2016 at 2:14 pm

    Such a great post and message here, Alyssa – beautifully written as always. We are not defined by numbers – no one else knows or fixates on our numbers so they are meaningless. Our inner beauty, relationship with others, goals in life, and love for our friends and families are what really matters!

    • Reply Alyssa March 28, 2016 at 2:16 pm

      Thank you so much Sarah for reading and your kind words! You are so right: no one else knows or fixates on these numbers so they ARE pointless! Hope you have a happy Monday girly <3

  • Reply Sarah @ The Fit Niche March 28, 2016 at 2:41 pm

    Great post and message! I threw out my scale years ago too – and I don’t miss it one bit 🙂

    • Reply Alyssa March 28, 2016 at 5:21 pm

      Thank you so much Sarah! I do not miss my scale at allll! Thanks for stopping by, can’t wait to check out your blog! xoxo

  • Reply Stephanie Leduc March 28, 2016 at 4:36 pm

    Great blog post Lyss. Although the scale never affected me so much, I do weigh myself to look at my weight fluctuations. It’s weird though, when I go on vacation I will usually weigh myself to see how much weight I have gained, I don’t feel anxious by the weight I gain, it actually surprises me in a way. Our weights are so variable that I know my extra couple pounds I packed on over a vacation are only temporary. Then again, I don’t know why I am even weighing myself to begin with. Throwing out the scale really is a great idea, no one needs it, no one needs to have a number associated to their body.

    • Reply Alyssa March 28, 2016 at 5:20 pm

      Our weights are so variable- it is definitely interesting and so important to realize that! Thank you for reading and stopping by Steph! Have a great day <3

  • Reply Kristy @ Southern In Law March 28, 2016 at 7:27 pm

    It’s definitely easy to get obsessed with numbers – whatever that number may be. Whether it’s a weight thing, a money goal or even time, our body seems to get fixed on numbers.

    I’ve never weighed myself, however, just before I was diagnosed with coeliac disease I’d been told by my doctors that I needed to weigh myself every single day as I was trying to gain weight (we didn’t yet know I had coeliac disease and they couldn’t understand how weight was literally falling off me and I couldn’t gain a single ounce) – and I HATED it. I’d never weighed myself or known what I weighed before and all of a sudden the scale became this evil thing that I hated because I felt like it was me vs the scale. I had the opposite problem to what most people do but shared the same frustration and disappointment and I quickly realised that the scale was only making things worse – so I told the doctors I wouldn’t weigh myself anymore.

    Now the only time I’m ever weighed is at the doctors if for some reason they need to know how much I weigh for an iron infusion or whatever else they’re ordering. I have no idea what I weigh and I’ve learnt to judge my health based on how I feel.

    When it comes to having children in the future, I don’t think I’ll ever keep a scale in our house because I just don’t think we need it!

    • Reply Alyssa March 29, 2016 at 1:28 pm

      So true that there are tons of numbers in our lives and it is so easy to get bogged down by them!! I can totally relate to the “me vs. the scale” feeling. And it wasn’t a good one at alllll. I don’t want a scale in my house if I ever have kids! Thank you for reading Kristy <3 have a great day!

  • Reply Edye March 28, 2016 at 8:00 pm

    SO proud of you! I went over to a family members house a few weeks back and they had a scale sitting in their bathroom. It was tempting to step on it and see what my “number” was. But, I fought the urge and walked away. I know that I am worth SO much more than a number, and that it doesn’t define me. Hope you had a great Easter <3

    Blessings,
    Edye // Gracefulcoffee

    • Reply Alyssa March 29, 2016 at 1:30 pm

      Thank you so much Edye! I am so proud of you for walking away from that scale- you are doing amazing!! Hope you had a lovely Easter as well <3 xoxo

  • Reply Cayanne Marcus @healthyezsweet March 28, 2016 at 8:30 pm

    That sinking feeling of stepping on the scale and waiting to let it determine your day..I remember it. More and more women are being empowered to ditch the outdated scale method and posts like yours are part of the change Lyss. Proud of you always

    • Reply Alyssa March 29, 2016 at 1:30 pm

      Ah that was the absolute WORST feeling. Thank you for your support Cayanne and inspiring me daily!! Much love <33

  • Reply sarah March 28, 2016 at 10:37 pm

    Yes girl! I love this. Numbers of any kind mess with my ED so much. I don’t own a scale and I don’t know my weight exactly. My dietitian weighs me and only sometimes tells me the number. Scales can not measure your worth, we are so much more than number.

    • Reply Alyssa March 29, 2016 at 1:33 pm

      Scales DON’T measure your self-worth at all. We are sooooo much more than that for sure!! Love you girly! <3

  • Reply Ellie March 29, 2016 at 12:48 am

    Thank you for sharing this Lyss. It is so powerful to see the transformation you have gone through. I was never actually obsessed with a weight or number. I actually always hated scales and being weighed, not for any other reason than I think it’s stupid and have always known weight fluctuates based on time of day, hydration and other things. I find it silly to base something like happiness on something so fluid.
    Have a wonderful day xoxoxo

    • Reply Alyssa March 29, 2016 at 1:32 pm

      Thank you for your sweet words Ellie. You are so right about how silly it is to find happiness in something that is constantly fluctuating! Hope you are having a great week girly! xoxo

  • Reply Melanie March 29, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    Really enjoyed this post Alyssa. I love what you said about the number on the scale never being good enough. No matter what the number is, your ED will still find a way to make you feel awful. Even at my lowest weight I was the most unhappy. I still struggle with this but I’ve made a lot of progress. So proud of you for throwing away the scale and letting go of numbers! xo

    • Reply Alyssa March 29, 2016 at 7:32 pm

      Thank you SO much Melanie, that means a ton to me! So proud of you for your progress along this tough journey, you are killing it girl! Sending tons of love your way <3

  • Reply Stephanie March 29, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    Hi Alyssa,
    I remember when I tossed out that scale. I myself was becoming obsessed with the number again, it is a constant battle. We still don’t have a scale but i like what one of the girls posted how she steps on the scale and has no emotional attachment to what the number was, I can really relate to that. You girls are amazing, when I was growing up all this was hidden, I kept all my feelings about the damn scale stuffed inside. Now I don’t have too, I feel so validated!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I still to this day struggle with that god damn number, though I don’t let it ruin my life anymore!!! We are more than a number PEACE Love you Alyssa

    • Reply Alyssa March 29, 2016 at 7:31 pm

      Aw mom thank you so much, I love you!! I am proud of you and how far you have come along this journey. You are my rock, thanks for everything!! Love you tons <3

  • Reply GiGi Eats March 30, 2016 at 1:16 am

    I have not weighed myself in 5 years. And I will never weigh myself ever again. I commend you for throwing your scale out and writing this. I went to the doctor today and they asked if they could take my weight and I said – You can, as long as I don’t look and you do NOT tell me anything… The nurse seemed a tad concerned and the doctor even asked me about it. I do not ever want to be controlled by numbers. Becuase numbers do not define who we are as people!

    • Reply Alyssa March 30, 2016 at 3:22 am

      Thank you so much!! That truly means a lot to me. I never want to be controlled by numbers the way I was in the past. Thank you for stopping by and your kind words! xoxo <3

  • Reply Amanda @ Real Life Recovery Diary March 30, 2016 at 2:42 pm

    I love everything about this! It’s so true… there is really no need for us to have scales. What does our weight even mean? NOTHING! It doesn’t tell us how healthy we are or how beautiful we are or how “worthy” we are. It’s just a recipe for self-hate. Absolutely not necessary.

    Keep fighting pretty girl. Love you so much!

    • Reply Alyssa March 30, 2016 at 6:58 pm

      Thank you SO Much Amanda!! That means so much to be. You are doing AMAZING- you keep killing it too girly and fighting hard! Love you tons <33

    Leave a Reply

    CommentLuv badge

    Back to top