Hi guys and happy Monday! I don’t have class today, but today will be a day spent doing homework and some last minute things before heading back to campus! Hope you all had a lovely weekend and a great Easter!
Today, we’re going to be talking about something a little deeper, something a little more intense than just a weekend recap because I love writing about this kinda stuff; I love sharing my experiences with each and every step, big or small, along my journey to recovery because by talking about it awareness is being brought to it, and by talking about it we are sparking a discussion. We are removing the stigma around eating disorders and I hope by sharing my experiences, I can help just one soul out there.
The day I threw out the scale. The thing is, I actually didn’t throw it out: my mom did. When I was 14 years old. 14 years old and I had already spent a year obsessed with what that number said. A young girl, a young teen who was supposed to be out there having fun and meeting new friends, trying different sports, talking about boys at sleepovers. But I became fixated on what the number on that scale said. The day I started weighing myself when I was 13 was the day where I also met a little friend in that bathroom, a little friend named Ana. Anorexia was her long name, but we can just call her Ana for short. I would always have to visit her in that bathroom. Every single day, soon twice a day then three times a time. She was the best friend that no one knew about.
14 year old Alyssa didn’t feel beautiful. The only feeling of confidence she felt was when that number on the scale dropped.
After my mom threw out my scale, I found other ways to find out my weight. She thought she could ruin Ana and I’s friendship, but boy was she wrong! There was the scale at the gym, there was the scale at the doctor’s office, there was one in the school’s locker room. They were in so many places. Even though the scale was thrown in that garbage can at the beginning of my eating disorder, I found other ways to know my weight; and I let this number on the scale dominate me, I let it possess me: bringing me down, bringing me to only my darkest times.
When the scale was thrown out, I did not weigh myself as obsessively as I once had which was most definitely a positive thing. But when I was aware of this number, and when it did change: eating disorder behaviors were without a doubt used in full effect. I remember being 15 and seeing my weight for the first time in a while at the doctor’s. It was at it’s absolute lowest and of course that made my best friend Ana happy, but only for about 10 minutes. Because the thing is? No matter how low the number on that scale was, I still felt absolutely worthless, I still felt like nothing. Fast forward to when I was almost 17 years old. Giving treatment another shot after practically being on my death bed. My weight at an all time low. I felt like I was doing something right; but I felt like I could be doing more to get smaller, I could be doing more to make Ana happy. And the thing with this obsession with the number on the scale? It would never be low enough. It would never be low enough to please me, it would most certainly never be low enough to please Ana.
The relationship with myself and the scale was a rocky one for sure. It is absolutely mind-blowing that something so small had such a large impact on my life. In residential and partial day treatment, I obviously was not aware of the number on the scale as we were blindly-weighed. But when I entered intensive outpatient, we were aware of our weights. Seeing that number go up on the scale each week was incredibly tough, feeling my body change was uncomfortable. It was hard as hell and I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you and say that it was easy because I knew that recovery would be worth it, because I didn’t know that at the time- I had no idea if any of that was true. So I saw that number rise until I reached my “goal weight,” and I dealt with the discomfort.
Almost three full years have passed since I was entered into treatment for the second time. To this day, I do not own a scale, and I have absolutely no desire in ever getting one. The thing is, I have discovered that as cheesy as this sounds, the number on the scale is not going to define how I feel about myself. Because when it was at an all time low, I didn’t feel happy and I didn’t love my body at all. I felt miserable and depressed. When I go into the doctor’s, I ask not to know my weight, but sometimes different doctor’s say it anyways. And I’m okay with that! The number may be up one day. The number may be down a different day. But that’s just our bodies, that’s just life. We are constantly changing, constantly evolving and developing. I have come to the point in life where I feel that I have truly made peace with this scale, where I decided that Ana was not a friend to me at all; where that scale took up nothing but frivolous space in my bathroom, where that scale doesn’t need to have any sort of place in my life.
It wasn’t easy coming to this point. It was tough, it was hard. Our society is infatuated with the number on that scale. People talk about it so damn much. But you know what? Just because someone else is talking about it and weighing themselves doesn’t mean you have to too! Just because someone else feels that their self-worth will come from the number on the scale doesn’t mean you have to adhere to that belief too! I absolutely love my body now. And in my opinion, the love that you give your body, that unconditional love and promise to take care of it; to show it the respect it deserves, to accept those cute little tummy rolls, to get up in the morning and put on those jeans and feel HOT in them; that is way more important than anything that number on the scale will tell you. THAT is so, so much more valuable and meaningful. How you feel about yourself will not be shown on that scale. Feeling positively about yourself and loving your body is all you need, you do NOT need a number to give you validation to feel confident about yourself and body.
“The scale can only tell you what you weigh; NOT who you are.”
“Get off that scale… The scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!”
The scale cannot measure beauty, it cannot measure talent. Stop giving power to such a petty thing, stop putting your happiness and the way you feel about yourself in something so impotent and insignificant. Let your confidence and happiness come from WITHIN and never, ever put it in the power of a scale or other individuals for that matter. The day you realize that how you feel about yourself, how you feel about your body and that loving yourself unconditionally IS in fact possible; that will be one pretty amazing day if you ask me.
Throw out that scale, stop weighing yourself religiously, stop caring about numbers, stop letting them influence your happiness and joy.
“You are beautiful, no matter what you weigh.”
Thank you so much for reading guys! Appreciate each and every one of you and all of your kind words and support. Incredibly thankful for this blogging community!
No questions today, but would love to hear your thoughts about this post! Have a great Monday friends. <3
Sending my love as always.
Facebook: Blissful Lyss