Hi guys and happy Tuesday! Tuesday’s = another day I get to link up with my gal pal Emily to talk about how important and vital it really is to take care of your body; as our bodies are temples! Taking care of your body means providing an endless amount of love for yourself, fueling yourself with feel good food and food that makes your soul thrive, moving in a way that makes you smile, and fitting in that self-care time even in the busiest seasons of our lives.
Today I am super excited because I have someone guest posting for you guys, and boy is this gal amazing. Warm welcome for my beautiful friend Trine! <3
Hi all you beautiful souls! My name is Katrina but I prefer to go by Trine. I’m 25 years old and a junior in college studying Psychology. My long term goal is to become a therapist for those dealing with eating disorders and other mental health issues. Possibly also for those who have lost parents at a young age since I lost my mom when I was 12. I am in recovery from an eating disorder, anxiety, and depression, which is what has fueled my passion to become a therapist to help others. I am a lover off all things Fall, lattes, breakfast, freckles, reading, yoga, pastels and neutral colors, ice cream and fro yo, falafel, bananas and nut butter, Sunday’s, and making people smile. After too many years of self hate and wanting to give up on life, I am finally starting to find out who I really am and how I want my life to be. Life is beautiful and messy and worth fighting for.
Ambivalence vs. acceptance
Everyone has been there; the feeling of ambivalence while battling an eating disorder. I can clearly remember the days and moments when I didn’t even acknowledge the idea of recovery because I was too wrapped up in my eating disorder and the false relationship that it was providing for me. It was my safety blanket and my identity. I went from Trine, the fun-loving, good listener, kind, thoughtful, silly, high school and all-star cheerleader, to the girl with anorexia. At the time, anorexia erased all of the thoughts about my “manly muscles” and replaced them with being tiny and fragile. However as I’m sure many of you know, the eating disorder is never satisfied and will never settle on one weight or size no matter how small it may be. Before you know it, you’re caught in a dangerous, vicious cycle of giving up your life to your eating disorder.
I remember my family being so frustrated with me because no matter how bad it got, I never would commit to putting in the effort to get better. The fear of gaining weight, not running __ miles a day, and being forced to eat much more than I was used to was all that I could think about. Plus, I didn’t feel “sick enough,” which I know almost everyone feels at one point or another (which is so not true!). Ambivalence was the key emotion that I was feeling at that time. It held me back from taking the plunge and finally committing to doing the hard work that is recovery, and sticking to it. I went to listen to countless recovery speakers, but I always had the excuse that I was “different” and that everyone else was capable of fighting but I wasn’t. I felt hopeless and truly didn’t think that I would ever live a life not consumed by my eating disorder all day every day. Fear is what fueled my ambivalence, and it was what kept me wrapped in my “safety blanket” for too many years. Unfortunately, no one can make you recover except yourself.
After a few years in quasi-recovery and denial, I had an “aha” moment and finally decided that I needed to make a change. I can’t express enough how grateful I am that I had that moment on that September fall evening in 2014. For the first time, I was TRULY committing to recovery. I fought to get the treatment that I needed, and it changed my life. I have always said that the theme of that last treatment stay was acceptance. I went into it accepting that I would need to gain a lot of weight if I wanted to get better. I accepted that I would need to stop exercising so that I could form a newer and healthier relationship with it. I accepted that I would be eating foods that my eating disorder deemed “unhealthy.” I accepted that my body image would be terrible and that I would be so tempted to use behaviors. I accepted that leaving school while nearing the end of the semester was what I needed to do. I accepted that I would need to talk about some really difficult things like my mom’s death, but it’s what I needed in order to move forward. I accepted that recovery would be the most uncomfortable and challenging thing that I would ever have to do, but also that it would be the most rewarding thing I would ever do.
Now being almost 3 years out of treatment, I still use acceptance in my every-day life, and not just in terms of my recovery. That’s because my life doesn’t revolve only around recovery now, I have to deal with real-life things like pressure in school, work, and my relationships. Acceptance is something that I am continuously working on, and I have to remind myself that I need to trust in God’s plan for me. I have begun to accept that sometimes relationships with once good friends break apart, that grades don’t define me, and that my job won’t always be enjoyable even if I love it overall. I still have to accept that being full doesn’t make me fat and that some days I will feel uncomfortable in my body, but I remind myself that it always passes. Most importantly, I have made an effort to accept that not all days are good days and that is okay. A bad day in recovery is a million times better than the best day with my eating disorder.
So, what is my overall take-away message from this post? That acceptance is the first step to getting your life back and usually the hardest step, or at least that’s how it was for me. Also that acceptance is something that needs to be continuously practiced throughout everyday life. Let’s face it, life is messy and imperfect, but that’s how it is meant to be. Ambivalence and fear will pop up every now and then, but you are capable of facing those feelings. You won’t always like what life throws at you, but accepting it for what it is rather than fighting it will only give you a better quality of life.
I feel like i should add something else: I am someone who is open and honest about my struggles, and of course I have down days. However the difference now is that I am strong enough to be rational and fight my thoughts. I’m not perfect and I truly believe recovery is a lifelong journey with many ups and downs, but I don’t think I will ever fully go back to my eating disorder. I have realized how amazing truly living is and not just surviving. I want you all to know that struggling doesn’t make you weak or a failure. What matters is that you pick yourself up and fight back. Through struggle comes strength.
Follow Trine on Instagram at trinekxx and on Tumblr at florissante-toujours!
Thank you all for reading, and I’m so happy I could have such an amazing soul guest post for me today. Trine is a true symbol of strength and I know she has an amazing future ahead!
No questions today, but leave some feedback below!! As Trine and I would greatly appreciate it. Reading y’alls comments truly puts the biggest smile on my face. 🙂
Also, thank you for bearing with me during this busy time in my life! Once I get a routine going with school, I will definitely be up and back to doing what I love: blogging and writing!
Have a happy Tuesday friends!!
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AND- Don’t forget to check out Emily’s blog here!