Hi guys and happy Monday! Hope you all enjoyed your weekends. Going to be linking up with Julia today for another Mental Health Monday!
Today we are going to be talking about writing. Writing is such a powerful tool. It is a way to express our feelings and inner emotions. It is a way to relinquish our anxieties and fears. A tool that can truly help express ourselves.
//”Sometimes only paper will listen to you.” //
Sometimes the paper is the only thing that can listen to you and understand. Whether that paper may be your journal or your notes on your iPhone or laptop, they are the things that will be there for you and that will understand whatever is on your mind at that time. I think that is such a beautiful thing in itself. And that is why I love journaling- it is a place for me to just be honest with myself and keep in touch with how I am doing. And I love writing poems or more deep short (very short) stories to express myself and a moment I want to get down on paper. Writing is a beautiful gift, and it is one I am forever thankful for.
//”Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.” //
I love to write about what I have been through, what I am going through, or my life in general. Some of those things are related to recovery and times where I was deep within my eating disorder and felt that I would never get out of that dark hole. But I did, and I love to express that on paper. I wanted to share with you some of the poems and other things I have written this Monday, and encourage you all to just write or journal! It is one hobby that can stick with you for a lifetime. 🙂
The Warrior Within
And the scars will stay, the memories don’t fade, the darkness comes and goes.
But as I lay, three years later, oh how I am glad I know.
That numbers don’t define me, that happiness is real, that I am more than the size of my jeans.
And I’m glad I came to realize that I am far more than the number on the scale beneath me.
And how I am thankful, and came to understand, that ending it all, that giving in-that wasn’t part of the plan.
And I am glad I began to learn that starvation wasn’t my only call; that there is more to life than being thin.
So the scars they remain, and the memories still hurt; and on some days, I just can’t escape the pain.
But I think, and I remember what happiness feels like to me. And I think, and I remember how amazing it feels to be free.
So I throw out the scale, and I burn the food diaries, because never again will I be so frail.
And I trudge on, and I continue moving. Because god, god if I give in; then I am just letting this disorder win.
The window to the soul
I look into her eyes and I see light and hope and I see the sun and trees but wow; I look into my own eyes in that mirror and all I see is a blank state; the bags even more prevalent than a week ago. And I remember when I looked into my eyes and I saw that beautiful spark and that incredibly bright sunshine with those prominent green trees in the background. But now, now I don’t see anything. I look back in that mirror, I look deeper into those hazel green eyes and I see confusion. Sadness. I don’t see the sunshine and the trees but instead all I can see is a woods on a rainy and gloomy day. But I guess that is what I have become- another sad, another depressed, and another fucked up teenager. And in those eyes, those eyes of that little 6 year old girl; I see the future. The future that is shining ever so brightly. But in mine, in the eyes of just another 19 year old teenage girl; I just see nothing but a cloud of black. 13 years later; these eyes tell the story that the little 6 year old would’ve never expected; these eyes tell the story of girl who can barely look at her body in the mirror without disgust. And I move from the mirror. I look back at the 6 year old girl. And I look into those eyes. I look so deeply into that sunshine and am mesmerized by those beautifully blooming trees and I tell this little girl to love herself; to love herself unconditionally. And she may not understand now, she may not understand in next year; but one day, this little girl will understand. And when that little girl is 19, she will be able to make peace with that mirror, and she will love herself and by then; those green trees will have bloomed into a beautiful and lively forrest, a forrest with nothing but life.
I have a bit of extra fat on my tummy,
and my thighs jiggle a bit more,
but my smile is a bit brighter
and I laugh like I never did before.
My six pack is gone,
and the number on the scale is up,
Yet that ice cream cone I eat care free,
without even having to use my measuring cup.
The mirrors that are less scary,
the days without tears.
Those are the things that kept me going,
throughout all these tough years.
And each and every morning,
I make peace with that mirror.
And ever since I gave up the self-hate cycle,
life just got a lot more clearer.
So I hug my tummy,
and repeat in my head,
that I am good enough, that I am beautiful,
and I have nothing but great things coming ahead.
The little things
The beauty of having two legs that can walk, arms that can function, eyes that can see the loveliness the world has to offer; like those summer sunsets and the glistening smile of our best friend who has accomplished something he or she has worked so hard for, noses that can smell, ears that can hear; that are capable of hearing the simplest things we take for granted like the chirping of birds every early morning, having those around us that constantly fill us with love and support, being able to breathe: inhaling the goodness of life and exhaling our difficulties, our hardships, those days where we know we could have been a little kinder and spread our love in more directions; the beauty of having a roof over our head, food to eat and provide us nourishment with, being able to receive an education or work, as many are unable to do that, being able to learn without much difficulty, adventure, and to experience the ups and downs of life. Isn’t that amazing in itself? So why do we fixate on the food that enters our mouth and how much exercise we do, our anxieties and worries, our insecurities, our flaws; why do we become obsessed with our outer appearance, why do we become victim to societal expectations and fail to see the beauty that shines within us and the beauty that shines outside us? Perspective. Perspective is a beautiful thing. We have a lot to be grateful for. Stay grounded in our messy, imperfect journey through life.
My legs touch, my thighs have stretch marks, my stomach isn’t completely flat.
But the thing is, my body is something that I no longer desire to work at.
I have accepted my imperfections, my not so perfect skin; and I have come to peace with a body that carries fat.
Now I have energy, genuine smiles, gratefulness for all my body can do; and I realize that a body is so much more than just something to look at.
The love that I have for my body is one I never thought I would acquire, as for years on end I treated it so poorly and gave it nothing but hate.
But now, I know that I am far more than my weight, I know that my body is a gift: a gift that I will forever appreciate.
Thank you for reading these today guys and all the support and love you give me! Truly means SO much to me. <3
Now tell me
Do you journal?
Are you into writing?
Have a lovely Monday friends! Go do something kind for yourself 🙂
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