I’m baaackkkkk!!!

December 19, 2016 in Recovery

Hi friends! I feel like it’s been 5ever since I’ve blogged. I think like 2 weeks?!

I have missed this part of my life, but I needed a break. I needed a break from trying to help others, from trying to come up with different things to write about, I just needed some time off. Because I desperately needed to use that time to help myself.

A lot of y’all probably noticed the theme of the blog in the month of November wasn’t too positive and happy-go-lucky. In all honesty, it was one of the worst months I’ve had since I was in high school. I was depressed. Not just the sadness you get when your friend cancels on you or you get a bad day, I felt like I was walking around with a cloud over my head. It didn’t really start until around the time of the election where I started crying more. I remember posting a picture on Instagram saying how drained I felt, but I was able to manage things at that point in my life. However, it was sort of like a downward spiral. Because the sadness and loneliness I felt just got a bit worse each day.

I kept telling people I didn’t really know what was making me sad. I knew I missed seeing my friends as I saw them more my freshmen year. I just feel like I lost interest in a lot of things: yoga, writing, praying, etc. I would get up in the morning not excited to start the day, but a feeling of “what’s the point?” There were some happy moments here and there, but the low moments overshadowed those. I stopped laughing as much and I wasn’t the typical goof or sap that I usually am. I just lost myself. And I knew in the back of my head why, but I kept ignoring that and continuing on with the way my life was going; which of course was not great at all.

I became more guilty for what I ate or if I took off a day from the gym. And I know I felt this guilt because I these were the only two things I could control in my life. Everything else? I felt as if I had absolutely no control over. And that feeling left a pit in my stomach.

On December 3, I cut my wrist. It was like cutting was the only way I could cope. I had surrendered to the thoughts in my head, to my depression, to the overwhelming sadness. I threw in the towel that night. And I threw in the towel again three days later.

On December 8, I started a group therapy program. It has honestly been a blessing, as well as a lot of other things that have happened recently in my life. I won’t disclose too much information about this, but my boyfriend and I broke up. I am thankful for that, because we were so so different. And I feel like I lost myself because I was trying to make him grow. But by doing so, I was shrinking myself. I was pouring water from an empty cup to him, and he just couldn’t refill it for me. And that’s okay! I’ll find someone who will help me grow: in my faith, in yoga, in this blog, in helping others. And he just didn’t fit that role in my life.

Some other blessings? Almost being done with the semester. Feeling like myself more each and every day. Seeing my friends at school more. In my relationship, I lost touch with a lot of my friends besides my 3 best friends. So seeing them and reconnecting with them has truly made my heart full. My friends will be there by my side through it all. And I am just so grateful for that and them. Reconnecting with God. Having more motivation. Setting new goals. Working to reach those goals.

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I felt so angry at first that all of this happened. And I had the “Why me?” attitude. But I know better than that. I don’t expect anyone to throw me a pity party. I was the one who picked up those scissors. I was the one that didn’t cut out people/things from my life that I KNEW were toxic for me, that I knew brought me down. In the end, there is no one else to blame but myself. But in the end, I KNOW that I am the only one that will save myself, and I am saving myself each and every day with the help of God. There is one thing I repeated to myself over and over in my darkest times. Philippians 4:13- “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Because we can do all things with God’s help, with God’s everlasting grace and love.

So yes, I’m done from my blogging break. And yes, I’ll be writing about these different hardships I faced this past month. Because I know that by sharing my story, I can maybe just help one soul out there going through the same thing.

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Storms don’t last forever. Storms DO NOT last forever. Repeat that to yourself. The sun will come out again soon enough. 

And here’s a piece from my journal I wanted to share with y’all just because 🙂

// December 16, 2016

“We flirt with death every time we etch a new tally mark into our skin
I know how to split my wrists to reveal a battlefield too
But the time has come for us to reclaim our bodies” – Mary Lambert

I was listening to the song Body Love by Mary Lambert driving back from school and I heard these lyrics and my heart just stopped a little. It brought me back to that night where I picked up those scissors and cut my wrist because I felt so hopeless and wanted to “flirt with death.” That small tally mark that was engraved in my skin, that sharp pain that I was craving in that moment; it hurts to think about and sometimes I’m strong about it all, but sometimes I cry. I get angry, I get mad. That Saturday night, and three nights later I showed the world that I was talented with those freaking scissors and split my wrists to reveal a battlefield too. One that I was shoving so deeply into my chest that no one could see it. Those feelings burst onto that battlefield and exploded. And since that explosion, I’m here working my ass off to pick up the pieces. To clean up the remnants, to make that field beautiful again. And God am I so proud of myself for doing so. Each and every day I’m making that field a tad bit cleaner, glueing those pieces back together, and standing on my feet a little bit stronger. It’s all about the journey, and here I am in the midst of it. Falling, standing back up, learning, growing, succeeding. //

I have missed you all and I’m so excited to be back doing what I love: writing and blogging and connecting with all you amazing people!! Hope you have been well. Sending all my love today. xoxo <3

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33 Comments

  • Reply Emily December 19, 2016 at 6:56 am

    AND I”M so HAPPY you’re back and so thankful for your complete 100% honesty. I do also struggle with dark thoughts, despair, depression, but in CHRIST JESUS we are more than conquerors. BIG hug through the virtual air waves. Still praying for you.
    Emily recently posted…How to Receive a Gift This Christmas SeasonMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:12 pm

      thank you SO much Emily, You are truly a huge blessing in my life. Lots of love for you

  • Reply Lynne (Lynne's Recipe Trails) December 19, 2016 at 11:43 am

    Lots of hugs my friend and welcome back. xoxox

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:11 pm

      thank you! xoxo

  • Reply Steph December 19, 2016 at 12:22 pm

    Dear Alyssa,
    Life does get messy sometimes and hard to understand. I am so happy that you are learning from all of this that you are learning how to cope when times extremely difficult. But most importantly that you learned when to throw up that white flag and say I surrender, I need some help. Because we as people are not meant to go it alone! So my sweetest It is nice to see and read your words once again that you write so eloquently!

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:11 pm

      I love you mom <3

  • Reply Marina @ A Dancer's Live-It December 19, 2016 at 12:49 pm

    WELCOME BACK!!! I’m so happy you’re in a better place now. 🙂 It’s definitely okay to not be okay, and I’m so proud of you for fighting off those demons! <3 Love youuuuu!!
    Marina @ A Dancer’s Live-It recently posted…Learn “How To Eat” with Kylie!My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:10 pm

      i love you so much and am so grateful for you!

  • Reply Kate December 19, 2016 at 2:08 pm

    Girl, you are a survivor! I am so so happy for you that you did what you needed to do to get better. I hate how we often have to hit the bottom before we bounce back, but what matters is that we make the effort to bounce back.
    I am sorry about the break, those are always awful, but I am so glad to know you are no longer with someone that drains you. You’ve got to much life in you to not have that shine <3.
    Kate recently posted…Holiday Baking ListMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:10 pm

      thank you so much Kate <3 we really do have to hit rock bottom to bounce back up sometimes. but as long as we bounce back up, that's all that counts!

  • Reply Caroline December 19, 2016 at 3:59 pm

    So glad you’re back but remember that it’s also okay to take a break without warning to take care of yourself. It’s okay to not be okay. You will overcome, you will endure. So much love to you and prayers headed your way sweet friend <3
    Caroline recently posted…Excellence…Thinking Out LoudMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:08 pm

      thank you so much Caroline <3 you are incredible

  • Reply Heather @ Polyglot Jot December 19, 2016 at 6:36 pm

    Welcome back! I’m so glad that you’re feeling a bit better. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, I understand that terrible cloud feeling. Praying for you 🙂 <3
    Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…5 Must Watch Christmas MoviesMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:07 pm

      that cloud feeling is TERRIBlE. thank you SO much for your prayers Heather <3

  • Reply Kristy from Southern In Law December 19, 2016 at 7:16 pm

    Welcome back, sweet girl! I am so glad you did what was right for you and I am so glad the cloud has lifted!

    Praying for you! <3
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Recipe: Kofta Pitas with Tzatziki Dipping SauceMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:07 pm

      thank you beautiful!! xoxo

  • Reply Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar December 19, 2016 at 8:59 pm

    So glad to have you back, Lyss! I’m sorry this month has been so tough, and it sounds like you had to make some really hard decisions. Splitting up with someone is never easy, especially when you’re already in a low place. I’ve been so happy to find your blog and your wise thoughts and encouraging words–there are so many people here on the blogging world who care about you. <3
    Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…Week in Review: People Time and Alone TimeMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:06 pm

      thank you so much <3 your kind words mean the world to me!

  • Reply Edye December 20, 2016 at 12:58 am

    So glad to have you back! The honesty and transparency of this post shows what a beautiful and genuine person you are. I hope this new year coming up is filled with joy, growth, and many blessings for you. <3
    Edye recently posted…The True Reason For The SeasonMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:05 pm

      you are so sweet Edye. Thank you SO much. god bless pretty lady

  • Reply Ellie Pell December 20, 2016 at 1:12 am

    I’m glad you’re getting the help you need. I’ll keep you in my prayers and look forward to what this month will bring. Tons of smiles, time at home and more love 🙂
    Ellie Pell recently posted…Starting to run again and Holiday thingsMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:04 pm

      thank you so much for your prayers Ellie <3

  • Reply Melanie December 20, 2016 at 2:06 am

    I’ve missed you Alyssa but I am so glad you took a break from blogging. You needed that time to focus on your mental health. You are a warrior and I am so proud of you for staying strong through this. Storms don’t last forever- I LOVE that quote! You are always in my prayers!!! <3

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:02 pm

      thank you so much. YOU are a warrior too melanie! xoxo

  • Reply Maddy December 20, 2016 at 2:33 am

    Glad you’re back and oh so happy to hear you’re regaining your happiness back <3 Tough times don't last, but tough people do

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 3:01 pm

      i love you so much maddy <3

  • Reply Megan Hallier December 20, 2016 at 8:07 am

    I’m glad to have you back! I’m sorry you have had such a rough time recently. It is good that you took time off to rest. Sometimes I feel like we put too much pressure on ourselves to present this happy, sparkly versions of ourselves all the time…but that’s not real life. Real life is this post. All raw and messy and authentic.
    Thank you for always being real <3
    Megan Hallier recently posted…Thank you notes to the world #2My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 2:59 pm

      that is so true. we put SO much pressure on ourselves to be like that… thank you for your kind words!!

  • Reply Sarah December 20, 2016 at 12:56 pm

    I am so proud of you Lyss, and so happy to see you taking care of yourself, and coming to terms with everything. God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes we just don’t understand it until after the fact.
    Sarah recently posted…WIAW: Sharing My Day in MealsMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 2:58 pm

      thank you so much Sarah<3 you are right. God DOES work in mysterious ways.

  • Reply kat December 20, 2016 at 1:45 pm

    I’m glad that you took the time for yourself and realize that you needed some help. Joing a group program sounds like a really positive and support filled way to get back on track. Just remember that you have all of us here as a support group as well! <3

    • Reply Alyssa December 26, 2016 at 2:55 pm

      thank you so much kat- that in itself means the world to me!

  • Reply Abigail Trainor January 4, 2017 at 6:54 pm

    Well, I’m finally getting around to reading all my favorite blogs so this comment is kind of late. Anyways, I appreciate you fighting and sharing the struggle. I can relate. It’s always a good reminder to keep fighting because Christ will help us!

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