Hi friends! I feel like it’s been 5ever since I’ve blogged. I think like 2 weeks?!
I have missed this part of my life, but I needed a break. I needed a break from trying to help others, from trying to come up with different things to write about, I just needed some time off. Because I desperately needed to use that time to help myself.
A lot of y’all probably noticed the theme of the blog in the month of November wasn’t too positive and happy-go-lucky. In all honesty, it was one of the worst months I’ve had since I was in high school. I was depressed. Not just the sadness you get when your friend cancels on you or you get a bad day, I felt like I was walking around with a cloud over my head. It didn’t really start until around the time of the election where I started crying more. I remember posting a picture on Instagram saying how drained I felt, but I was able to manage things at that point in my life. However, it was sort of like a downward spiral. Because the sadness and loneliness I felt just got a bit worse each day.
I kept telling people I didn’t really know what was making me sad. I knew I missed seeing my friends as I saw them more my freshmen year. I just feel like I lost interest in a lot of things: yoga, writing, praying, etc. I would get up in the morning not excited to start the day, but a feeling of “what’s the point?” There were some happy moments here and there, but the low moments overshadowed those. I stopped laughing as much and I wasn’t the typical goof or sap that I usually am. I just lost myself. And I knew in the back of my head why, but I kept ignoring that and continuing on with the way my life was going; which of course was not great at all.
I became more guilty for what I ate or if I took off a day from the gym. And I know I felt this guilt because I these were the only two things I could control in my life. Everything else? I felt as if I had absolutely no control over. And that feeling left a pit in my stomach.
On December 3, I cut my wrist. It was like cutting was the only way I could cope. I had surrendered to the thoughts in my head, to my depression, to the overwhelming sadness. I threw in the towel that night. And I threw in the towel again three days later.
On December 8, I started a group therapy program. It has honestly been a blessing, as well as a lot of other things that have happened recently in my life. I won’t disclose too much information about this, but my boyfriend and I broke up. I am thankful for that, because we were so so different. And I feel like I lost myself because I was trying to make him grow. But by doing so, I was shrinking myself. I was pouring water from an empty cup to him, and he just couldn’t refill it for me. And that’s okay! I’ll find someone who will help me grow: in my faith, in yoga, in this blog, in helping others. And he just didn’t fit that role in my life.
Some other blessings? Almost being done with the semester. Feeling like myself more each and every day. Seeing my friends at school more. In my relationship, I lost touch with a lot of my friends besides my 3 best friends. So seeing them and reconnecting with them has truly made my heart full. My friends will be there by my side through it all. And I am just so grateful for that and them. Reconnecting with God. Having more motivation. Setting new goals. Working to reach those goals.
I felt so angry at first that all of this happened. And I had the “Why me?” attitude. But I know better than that. I don’t expect anyone to throw me a pity party. I was the one who picked up those scissors. I was the one that didn’t cut out people/things from my life that I KNEW were toxic for me, that I knew brought me down. In the end, there is no one else to blame but myself. But in the end, I KNOW that I am the only one that will save myself, and I am saving myself each and every day with the help of God. There is one thing I repeated to myself over and over in my darkest times. Philippians 4:13- “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Because we can do all things with God’s help, with God’s everlasting grace and love.
So yes, I’m done from my blogging break. And yes, I’ll be writing about these different hardships I faced this past month. Because I know that by sharing my story, I can maybe just help one soul out there going through the same thing.
Storms don’t last forever. Storms DO NOT last forever. Repeat that to yourself. The sun will come out again soon enough.
And here’s a piece from my journal I wanted to share with y’all just because 🙂
// December 16, 2016
“We flirt with death every time we etch a new tally mark into our skin
I know how to split my wrists to reveal a battlefield too
But the time has come for us to reclaim our bodies” – Mary Lambert
I was listening to the song Body Love by Mary Lambert driving back from school and I heard these lyrics and my heart just stopped a little. It brought me back to that night where I picked up those scissors and cut my wrist because I felt so hopeless and wanted to “flirt with death.” That small tally mark that was engraved in my skin, that sharp pain that I was craving in that moment; it hurts to think about and sometimes I’m strong about it all, but sometimes I cry. I get angry, I get mad. That Saturday night, and three nights later I showed the world that I was talented with those freaking scissors and split my wrists to reveal a battlefield too. One that I was shoving so deeply into my chest that no one could see it. Those feelings burst onto that battlefield and exploded. And since that explosion, I’m here working my ass off to pick up the pieces. To clean up the remnants, to make that field beautiful again. And God am I so proud of myself for doing so. Each and every day I’m making that field a tad bit cleaner, glueing those pieces back together, and standing on my feet a little bit stronger. It’s all about the journey, and here I am in the midst of it. Falling, standing back up, learning, growing, succeeding. //
I have missed you all and I’m so excited to be back doing what I love: writing and blogging and connecting with all you amazing people!! Hope you have been well. Sending all my love today. xoxo <3
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