I Never Thought I’d Beat My Eating Disorder

February 27, 2017 in Recovery

Happy Monday loves. And happy NEDA week! National Eating Disorder Awareness week is obviously very important to me. So y’all can witness even more cheesiness on this blog (even though there’s already a lot).

**There is information in this post that some may find triggering. Please take care of yourself first and don’t read if you know it may effect you in a negative way. 


I never thought I’d beat my eating disorder. 

There were times where I stood and looked my parents straight in the eyes and told them I would never get over this. There were times where I flat out told my nutritionist that I wouldn’t be able to follow my meal plan. Times where I told my therapist I didn’t care about getting better because I knew I never would.

I get a lot of questions and messages from people seeking advice for recovery, people that are stuck. And I get a whole lot of the “I wish I had your strength to beat my eating disorder, because I know I don’t have it within me.” The thing is, I didn’t think I had it within me either.

404708_190752341021863_1678755942_n

Chillin’ in the background here. A month before I entered my first treatment program at 15. 

“I am fine.” Three words that became habit too me. Denial was my middle name at first. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with my lifestyle. I was on a quest for health, became fascinated with nutrition, and just wanted to be a smaller:more beautiful of myself.

I knew what I was doing wasn’t normal, but I enjoyed it. I enjoyed having my identity as the skinny girl who knew everything and more about healthy eating, so I rolled with it. Self-punishment became a habit. But it was a habit I just couldn’t kick. My eating disorder was my addiction. It was me. So I kept on going and living the way I was living. Because I simply couldn’t picture my life without it.

There were a lot of lows, but the lows weren’t low enough for me to want to change. The lows were terrible. There is nothing quite like throwing soy yogurt at your parents or flushing a cucumber down the toilet so you don’t have to eat it. But these lows didn’t do it. I always pictured what life would be like where I wasn’t held captive to food rules and my eating disorder, but I could never picture myself living that life. My story was different than those girls who had recovered. I truly believed no one understood the battle that was going on in my head. And that everyone else who recovered was a special case. 556973_339408039489625_120496214_n.jpg

6th person to the far right in this pic before my sophomore year homecoming 

I never thought I’d beat my eating disorder. 

I liked being sick in a strange, twisted way. My eating disorder was the only thing I had. And I sure as hell didn’t want to let it go.

No strong friendships were formed, relationships with family was lost, and I completely lost myself. A war with myself that I was constantly fighting.

I never thought I’d beat my eating disorder. 

There were days were I woke up and felt like I had a tiny bit of fight within me. But then nighttime hit and it disappeared before my eyes. The fight within me faded so quickly. There were times that I fully accepted this would be the way I would live my life. I just didn’t feel strong enough to fight, so I accepted it. I accepted my life would have to be different than a lot of people’s. And I somehow became okay with that for a bit.

I became scared, because I honestly felt my body shutting down on me. Again, I accepted it at first. Obviously I wasn’t going to die. But sleeping became harder. My bones protruded too much and the one time where I had to fully escape from my living hell was taken away from me. I felt like a walking zombie. Sleeping became a challenge. Walking up the stairs left me gasping for air. The weakness in my muscles and heart led to seizures. I saw the bubble that my eating disorder created for me slowly becoming smaller. So small that I could hardly breathe anymore.

I never thought I’d beat my eating disorder. 

But after a week of tears, restlessness, seizures, pain, swallowing laxative pills day and night, I realized this couldn’t be my reality. This couldn’t. Because I wasn’t placed on this earth for the sole purpose of living in the confines of my eating disorder. I didn’t know what would come of this feeling, but I did know I wasn’t ready to leave this world yet.

IMG_0509.jpeg

February 2013, right before a school dance 

I never thought I’d beat my eating disorder. 

But with the smallest bit of courage and fight, with the help of treatment centers, with the hope that there was a better life for me; I did. I am not a special case. I am not the only person that has been able to beat their eating disorder. I. Am. Not. A. Special. Case.

We all have a bit of fight within us. During our weakest times where we are on our knees crying. Through the times where we have felt like we have just wanted to die. Through the worst misery and pain in our lives, we all have a little bit of fight. We all have a little bit of strength. And it isn’t easy to find it. You have to dig real deep. Sometimes that strength is going to be there one day, sometimes it feels like it’s fading. Hold onto that strength despite your hardest days. For soon it won’t feel like you are searching all over for it, it will be engrained within you.

“He gives strength to the weary. And increases the power of the weak.” 

 

16790050_1762780650706677_8650711548924264448_n

Last week: February 2017 

“You have more to do

than be weighed down

by pretty or beautiful

you are a fiery heart

and a wicked brain

do not let your soul

be defined by its shell.”

I still have to dig deep to find strength. Because life tests us with obstacles and challenges. Our strength and faith will carry us through. Just yesterday, I was feeling a bit anxious for not going to the gym because I haven’t been going as much. But I took a deep breath. Turned to the lord and the people I trust the most, and realized my strength was great enough to carry me through my feelings of anxiety.

For I now know that life is far more than a workout. That life is greater than the size of my pants. That my worth is not found in what I look like. That my morality and pride is not tied with the food I eat.

“I am not this hair, I am not this skin, I am the soul that lives within.”

If you are at a time of struggle. If you are deep within your eating disorder, remember this: even though you may not feel strong enough to overcome this battle; even though you don’t think you can beat the demons in your head: I was once there. I was in your shoes. And here I am: here I am living my life to the fullest. I didn’t think I had the power within me to fully let go of my eating disorder, but I did. I am not a special case. If I can do it, you can too.

“I’m here to tell you that if you get broken, it’s possible to put yourself back together. I’m here to tell you that if you get lost, it’s possible that a light will come, dancing, on the horizon, to lead you home.”

Keep following that light. Sometimes it shines brighter than others, sometimes it’s so dim you can hardly see it. But it is ALWAYS there. That light will guide you home.

No questions today, but as always comments are so so welcome. 🙂 Thank you for reading you beautiful souls. So grateful for this community! 

Stay connected:

Facebook: Blissful Lyss

Instagram: blissful_lyss29

Pinterest: blissful_lyss29

Twitter: blissful_lyss29     

Youtube: Alyssa Cristadoro

Share This Post

You Might Also Like

25 Comments

  • Reply Kate February 27, 2017 at 11:50 am

    YES YES YES. Recovery felt absolutely impossible at times. Like something I could never do. I am so glad we both people in our lives to push us and faith to believe in what we couldn’t see. I know people will read this and feel hopeful.
    you are incredible!
    Kate recently posted…It’s time to talk about: National Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2017My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 1:58 pm

      thank you so much Kate!!

  • Reply Kate February 27, 2017 at 11:50 am

    YES YES YES. Recovery felt absolutely impossible at times. Like something I could never do. I am so glad we both people in our lives to push us and faith to believe in what we couldn’t see. I know people will read this and feel hopeful.
    you are incredible!
    Kate recently posted…It’s time to talk about: National Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2017My Profile

  • Reply stephanie February 27, 2017 at 12:00 pm

    Will you stop bringing tears to my eyes! You my dear are wonderful for spreading this word to others! God bless you.

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 1:58 pm

      love u momma <3

  • Reply Marina @ A Dancer's Live-It February 27, 2017 at 8:30 pm

    Oh Lyss. This made me cry! You are such a light in my life!!! Thank you, THANK YOU for this. The battle still continues sometimes for me, but recovery is 100% worth it. <3
    Marina @ A Dancer’s Live-It recently posted…It’s Not Goodbye, It’s See You Later!My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 1:59 pm

      I love and miss you!! <3 it is all so so worth it

  • Reply Edye February 28, 2017 at 12:25 am

    Ever since I created my original IG account, I’ve followed your story. You have grown SO much, Lyss; and I’m so proud of you. From one ED survivor to another, thank you for letting me know I’m never alone in my fight against this horrid disease.
    Edye recently posted…FitSnack Unboxing – Jan ’17My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 1:59 pm

      aw Edye, you are so sweet. Thank you bunches <3

  • Reply Emily February 28, 2017 at 2:01 am

    I AM SO thankful. No more words but so thankful Lyss for you. He gives strength. He does give strength even when we are so weary we don’t think we can.
    Emily recently posted…Tough Life Questions: Am I Ready To Face Death?My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 2:00 pm

      I am so thankful for you <3

  • Reply Sarah February 28, 2017 at 1:56 pm

    Yes, yes and yes! For so long we were afraid but finally,at least for me, the fear of staying the same was greater than the fear of changing. I think the key was finding strength from something outside of myself like you said. For me it was God and my treatment team, and each day we look fear in the face, and challenge it, we get stronger. Love you girl.
    Sarah recently posted…NEDAwareness: I Fight for HerMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 2:00 pm

      YES. to everything you said! I am so proud of you!

  • Reply Kristy from Southern In Law February 28, 2017 at 10:41 pm

    What a journey you have and what a story you have to share.

    I think we all go through things that seem impossible in the moment, only to walk through them and look back and think wow.

    Even the tiniest speck of light outshines the darkness <3
    Kristy from Southern In Law recently posted…Random Ramblings: Why Saving the Best For Last is Actually a Cover UpMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 2:00 pm

      <3 thank you so much Kristy

  • Reply Ellie Pell March 1, 2017 at 1:11 am

    I loved reading this Lyss. You give others hope. God has blessed you 🙂
    Ellie Pell recently posted…It’s called BREAD.My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 2:01 pm

      <3 god has blessed YOU as well

  • Reply Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar March 1, 2017 at 3:08 am

    Such a beautiful and sad story, and it’s hit me at such a poignant time. I am so glad that you beat your eating disorder. I’m so glad that you quit saying, “I’m fine.” I’m so glad that you could heal your relationships that were falling apart. I’m so glad that you’re a part of this blogging community and bring us such motivation when recovery is sometimes a really hard thing.
    Joyce @ The Hungry Caterpillar recently posted…Caterpillar Crawl: February 2017My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 2:02 pm

      Thank you so much Joyce <3 you are such a sweet girl

  • Reply GiGi Eats March 1, 2017 at 4:37 am

    You are a strong strong girl!!!! And you beat it – obviously not 1000% because no person who suffers from an ED is healed completely, but you’re living, breathing, active and not letting that ED take over your life anymore!
    GiGi Eats recently posted…Addressing the LARGE Elephants In The RoomMy Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 2:02 pm

      thank you Gigi!! For reading and for your sweet words!

  • Reply Heather @ Polyglot Jot March 1, 2017 at 1:31 pm

    Thanks for sharing such a hard thing with us. You are a light in this community and your story helps and encourages so many others!
    Heather @ Polyglot Jot recently posted…Monthly Must-Haves: February 2017My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 2:02 pm

      aw Heather, you are so sweet. Thank you tons!

  • Reply Alison @ Daily Moves and Grooves March 4, 2017 at 10:54 pm

    So in awe of your strength and humility, Lyss. This message is so important– recovery is hard but very possible. We need each other and brave women like you who can support and inspire others to fight the hardest they’ve ever fought. You rock <3
    Alison @ Daily Moves and Grooves recently posted…You Are Enough.My Profile

    • Reply Alyssa March 14, 2017 at 2:03 pm

      YOU rock. Thank you Alison!!

    Leave a Reply

    CommentLuv badge

    Back to top