As it is NEDA week, I am going to be getting real and raw for some of my blog posts this week. This is a very important and very heartfelt week to me; and I am a full believer that my struggles with anorexia happened for a reason- I don’t regret my struggles as they taught me so much and gave me an incredible amount of strength and wisdom. I think that this eating disorder happened so I could be one of those brave souls who chooses to be open about her journey; who can help other girls and boys struggling with the same thing to find light and happiness in this world of twists and turns.
ALSO: This post does contain triggering thoughts and behaviors that I once had in the midst of my eating disorder. If you are currently struggling or are on the path to recovery yet can easily be triggered; please do not read. Put yourself first and your health first- that is ALWAYS the most important thing.
A picture can tell a thousand words…
//I think what was on my mind in this picture was anger: anger that I could’ve been doing more to get thinner, anger that I could’ve been exercising at that moment but instead I was on my ass sitting even though it was after a 4 hour workout. And I think what was on my mind was how many calories I had eaten so far and those new 200 calorie breakfasts I could try this week. I think the disgust I had with myself and the self hatred mainly just consumed me all; I think my mom was trying to make jokes with me that day and I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to do so because well; how could anything be more important than the fact that I actually ate three meals today?? God I was so mad at her because she tried to talk to me when I just wanted to sit and talk to Ana, my new best friend; the one that taught me about how to lose weight in the quickest way. You see, Ana was my new best friend and she tried to get in the way of that; asking if I wanted to go out to dinner.. how could she be that silly to think I would want to do that? How could she be so selfish to get in the way of my new friendship? So I sat there and stared at that pool water. In my one piece bathing suit because well fuck, I was too horribly disgusting for a two piece. And I planned the amount of laps I was going to swim because Ana told me to and she had my back more than anyone. So I sat. I stared. I thought about how much I fucking hated myself and how much I fucking hated food and I continued to be on the path to victory with my new best friend Ana to become the smallest version of myself. And you bet your ass Ana and I wouldn’t stop until we achieved what we wanted. And ten minutes later, ten minutes later I was in that pool swimming those god damn laps: back and forth, back and forth. Even though I felt like I was going to collapse…//
All of that is the harsh reality of an eating disorder. I never knew that my quest to become a healthy eater would lead to a full-blown eating disorder. The obsession just took over; the obsession with food and exercise filled other voids in my life- it made me feel like I was actually good at something. The relationships with family, with your parents? They get ruined. Eating disorders don’t allow for any sort of happiness in your life. So cut out all those friendships you once had and all those great family memories. With an eating disorder, those get taken away. You aren’t going to be able to go out to eat for your mom’s birthday, you aren’t going to have a slice of your friends birthday cake, and you sure won’t be asking for a cake on your birthday. Your eating disorder is going to isolate you. It is going to make you stay home from fun nights out because of the food that is involved. So beware of that too. It will use this time to become more obsessed with food and more obsessed with ways to lose weight; it will use this time to let more horrible thoughts about yourself and your body fester. So don’t expect to be happy, at all.
A picture can tell a thousand words… well isn’t that true here? The anger on my face is SO visible; the fact that my mind is racing is clearly evident, and the most noticeable emotion of all is unhappiness.
Sunday night after I had dinner with my parents and before heading back to school, I showed my mom this picture as she was the one who took it during the summer before my freshmen year of high school. Of course, these pictures don’t bring back any pleasant memories for her either. They bring back sadness; sadness because she remembers all those feelings from that exact day too. She remembers seeing her daughter become frail and starve herself right before her eyes. And she asked me, “Alyssa, what do you think you were thinking about in this picture?” And I just said probably food, it was all I ever thought about. But later that night, I looked at that picture again, and all those memories just came flooding in so hard and all those feels from that day returned. So I texted her what I was thinking in that picture, that long paragraph towards the top of this post.
And she responded with this. My mom is an angel, she has such a big soul. And I am so thankful for recovery for giving me my best friend back. For giving me back by #1 supporter, the person that continues to be there for me through it all.
(Don’t you love the sleepy time part of that text too hehe)
Eating disorders aren’t a joke, they are something I would NEVER wish on my worst enemy: they are a life or death disorder. They flat out suck. But recovery from this IS possible, and recovery from them is absolutely beautiful.
No questions today, but I would love to hear your thoughts on this post! Thank you so much for reading.
Hope you guys have a great day!
Sending my love as always.
Facebook: Blissful Lyss