Do you ever wonder…

January 25, 2016 in Recovery

Hi guys and happy Monday! Or wishing you the happiest of Monday’s possible at least 🙂 Hope you all had a great weekend! Anyways, just going to dive into this post because you’re probably like “WTF does this title even mean?!?”

Do you ever wonder…

Why you were the one that suffered from a mental illness/eating disorder? What your life would be like without one?

Because I did. I did for a while. And I always felt so freaking sorry for myself. I was that girl that got an eating disorder. I was that one.

And the thing is, I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore. I’m not going to write on this blog and tell you that life is all fine and dandy 24/7 because it’s not. I have my moments. And I cry. And sometimes I think about moments where I was deep in my eating disorder and just cry because the pain and the memories are so raw. I still look at foods and know the exact calories of them. I don’t know if that will forever be implanted in my brain. I simply don’t know. But I know that because I had an eating disorder I memorized the calories for every freaking food out there; but I couldn’t even told you where I got my homecoming dress sophomore year because my brain was too engulfed in my disorder.

Sometimes I cry when thinking about the past, but that’s normal and it’s okay to cry sometimes. I let myself feel those emotions and move on. Because I recognize it’s okay to not have it together all the time. And sometimes I would wonder what my life would be like if I never got an eating disorder or if I never got depression. But you know what? Everything happens for a reason. And I am a firm believer in that.

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This disorder taught me a lot about myself. It had to have happened for a reason-and I strongly believe that. That all of this happened to me so I can help others going through the same thing. My story is going to help one soul out there, and just in knowing that I feel like it is all worth it. My struggles will inspire and show others that it IS possible to overcome an eating disorder and depression. There IS hope.

I feel like I learned so much about myself because of this. Just the other day when I was FaceTiming my mom, I was telling her how I feel like I have so many layers. I’m like a freaking piece of cake with chocolate in the middle then a layer of vanilla and chocolate and THEN a layer of vanilla frosting-if they actually have a cake like that can someone please buy it for me (@mom if you’re reading this). ANYWAYS, I feel like I have this layer of silliness and laughter and being crazy. I have this layer of wanting to be alone and have time for myself to think. And I have this layer where I am extremely deep. Extremely in touch with how I am feeling. Extremely in touch with every emotion going on inside of me-I have the ability to write about every horrendous moment in my life and I would have never been able to do that last year. Turn on a sad pandora station and bam- I’ll write for hours. I’ll write about the worst times in treatment. I’ll write a made-up story of a depressed teenage boy who was able to pull himself out of his worst times in his life. And I’ll just write. I feel as if I am a cake- the vanilla part is most definitely the crazy silly side, the dark, moist chocolate side is the deep, sometimes darker emotional side. And if I didn’t develop an eating disorder, if I didn’t recover from that, I would have never learned that about myself.

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Rewind to before my eating disorder-never wanted tattoos, never wanted piercings. Here I am with two tattoos, a belly button piercing, a cartilage piercing, and my doubles done on my ears. Rewind to before my eating disorder-never thought I would swear: EVER. And here I am. And I swear, because I am not perfect and I don’t strive to be; and because I believe that a word is just a word-and by saying it I am not a bad individual. Again, I feel like that is the more deeper part of myself that loves piercings and tattoos and says “bad words”- I feel like tattoos and piercings are a way to express myself and add art to my body as for years I destroyed it and recked every piece of it; I feel like by occasionally swearing or dropping a few bad words here and there is totally fine as I am imperfectly perfect- and that is just another way to prove it.

Just the other night I wrote a letter to my 16 year old self. This letter made me cry. It gave me the feels. It was raw. It brought back some crazy memories. But then after writing it I was like DAMN-you are a warrior. And there are so many other warriors out there that just like me have overcome this horrible freaking illness. I’m not afraid to write about everything I’ve been through- I’m not afraid to talk about it. I like that I am open about it, I like that I am able to write about the most challenging moments in my life even though they may make me cry because I was able to overcome them; I was able to jump through every goddamn hoop put in front of me.

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So the answer to the question: yeah, I do wonder. But I don’t ask “why me” because I know the answer to that: the “why me” is so I can help- so I can make a difference out there in the world. Sure, I am only 19 years old, but I do have a hell of a lot of goals and aspirations to change the world one day and help men/women learn to love themselves and bodies unconditionally. There are so many things I want to do out there, so many people I want to help, so many lives I want to change. I would have never had these goals if I wasn’t that little teenage girl that got anorexia. I would have never been able to achieve these goals if I didn’t find myself out of the neverending dark hole known as anorexia. But here I am, alive; with no regrets. I am here a hell of a lot stronger. And no, I don’t wonder why, and no, I don’t feel sorry for myself for a hard past. I freaking flaunt that shit- and you all should too. We’re all just a bunch of warriors who maybe have gone through some hard times but WOW there are so many strong and wise souls out there so flaunt it. Embrace it. Be proud of yourself.

No questions today, but would love to hear some thoughts and your feedback! Hope you all have a great day. 🙂

Sending my love as always

Xoxo,

Lyss <3

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21 Comments

  • Reply Kate January 25, 2016 at 6:23 pm

    This something I have thought about so often! My ED began when I was 15, so I can’t help but wonder what kind of adult I would be if it never happened.
    However, I am SO happy with my life right now, so it matters much less to me. It’s natural to wonder, but I no longer dwell!
    I think you’ve got a beautiful perspective and that you can only grow from it!

    • Reply Alyssa January 25, 2016 at 8:32 pm

      I think that’s so true- it is definitely natural to wonder but so important now to dwell on it! Thank you so much for reading Kate 🙂 Hope you have a great day! <3

  • Reply Jillian January 25, 2016 at 9:48 pm

    GAH I love you so much. You’re the strongest gal I know ❤️

    • Reply Alyssa January 26, 2016 at 12:26 am

      Thank you SO much babe, love you tons and so thankful for you! xoxo

  • Reply Stephanie January 26, 2016 at 12:06 am

    Wow you amazing to have such a positive outlook, and I lover all you layers!

    • Reply Alyssa January 26, 2016 at 12:27 am

      Love you!! <3 <3

  • Reply Ellie January 26, 2016 at 1:24 am

    Hindsight is always 20/20. When I was going through rough times, I used to think “If only I could just erase this.” Or when I was embarrassed about parts of my past I wish I had some white out to clear out that part of myself. But honestly now I have an appreciation for things that were really hard. I am happy with where I am and have life skills that I would never have gotten otherwise. I also have some good stories and can give advice to people who ask about what I’ve gone through.
    My eyes were opened. I am more tolerant of people going through tough mental times. I feel as though I am a better person and more knowledgeable. Sure, my life isn’t perfect, but I wouldn’t want that anyway 🙂

    • Reply Alyssa January 26, 2016 at 2:19 am

      Exactly! I feel as if I am a better person and far more knowledgable due to my struggles in life. And I agree with you- I wouldn’t want my life to be perfect either! Thanks so much for reading Ellie 🙂 xoxo

  • Reply Emily January 26, 2016 at 2:18 am

    I think the thing that I’m learning is that God always work everything out for good to His children. No matter how hard the journey the end is always good. I would never have wanted to go through it, but now I know the pain of so many people that I wouldn’t have noticed before. God is good!

    • Reply Alyssa January 26, 2016 at 4:34 am

      Exactly! The end IS always good. Thank you so much for reading Emily, hope all is well! xoxo

  • Reply Lynne January 26, 2016 at 1:06 pm

    Hi, lovely post Lyss. It is really nice to know that you are in such a good place right now. You are a stronger woman now. Sure, you are going to have ‘those’ days, where you are feeling sad or want to cry…but you are human. You are doing great. 🙂

    • Reply Alyssa January 26, 2016 at 3:03 pm

      thank you so much for reading Lynne! Truly means a lot to me. Thank you for your support! xoxo

  • Reply Taylor January 26, 2016 at 3:19 pm

    Hard times make us who we are today. I have learned so much through difficult times in my life. I really applaud your honesty and being so open as it is very easy for people to just show the positive parts of their lives on the internet. You are so strong!

    • Reply Alyssa January 26, 2016 at 3:23 pm

      So true! We learn so much through hard times in life. Thank you so much for your support Taylor and for reading <3 xoxo

  • Reply Liv @ Healthy Liv January 26, 2016 at 6:00 pm

    Great thoughts, Lyss! I’ve sometimes wondered what I’d be like if I hadn’t gone through certain really hard experiences, like my own eating and exercise struggles, but I really do think they’ve shaped me so much and in some ways, for the good. I’ve definitely learned a lot about resiliency, determination, and taking control of my own behavior/life. Thanks for sharing!

    • Reply Alyssa January 27, 2016 at 4:23 am

      Totally agree with you, I feel like I learned about my determination from everything I’ve been through as well. Thanks for reading Liv 🙂

  • Reply Sarah January 26, 2016 at 11:34 pm

    I totally relate to this girl! I never want any other girl to go through the struggles that I’ve gone through battling anorexia, yet I wouldn’t change the path that I’ve taken. I truly believe that your struggles become your strength and that God has a plan for us all.

    • Reply Alyssa January 27, 2016 at 4:57 am

      Exactly! Would never wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy; yet wouldn’t change all that I’ve gone through as it has taught me so much. Thank you so much for reading Sarah! Hope you’re having a great week 🙂

  • Reply Megan January 30, 2016 at 11:00 pm

    I love your attitude. There is always something good that comes out of negative circumstances and challenges in our lives. Thank you for sharing this and opening up for other girls to see that their struggle is not in vain. Keep it up!

    • Reply Alyssa January 31, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      Thank you so much Megan! Truly means a lot, you are such an inspiration to me. Thank you for reading and have a great day 🙂

  • Reply Link Love 1/31/16 – Blissful Lyss January 31, 2016 at 5:56 pm

    […] Do you ever wonder… […]

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