I feel like I haven’t written on here in forever… and I apologize for that! When finals come around all my energy goes towards school and keeping myself mentally sane. But I will be back and doing what I love on this blog so I am super excited for that.
With the end of a year usually comes a lot of reflection- something I honestly haven’t had the time to do yet, but know I will regardless. And for the little bit of reflection I have done on this year, I wanted to share with you today.
God put so many challenges in my life sophomore year and there were times that I simply wanted to give in, but looking back I have true faith that only I could’ve climbed those mountains. I can’t believe how much I’ve grown since September. Just goes to show you that you can really turn pain into gold.
This year showed me pain. Raw, real pain. Walking into the year feeling as good about my life as I have in a while, yet somehow crumbling within 3 months in. Crumbling and shattering at the seams. There were times first semester I did want to throw in the towel. No one knew the pain I was feeling- the pain of my relationship, the pain I felt every single night going to bed questioning why I had this dark cloud over my head- a cloud that I simply just couldn’t lift. I kept all of this in. I kept the times where my ex would do or say things that hurt me, the times where his actions were not something I wanted to be associated with, the times where I felt so trapped. All of this I held within me- and it soon burst, just like all things do. But it burst in the form of cutting. Cutting my wrists because it was the only way I felt I could release this pain.
Psalm 56:3- “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”
I had to put my trust in something greater. I trusted in God to bring me through what he brought me to- because I knew he could, and I knew somewhere deep down on my toughest days I could make it through these obstacles. So I went to group counseling, ended a relationship, and started fresh in 2017. Fresh with the mantra that this was my year of growth. This was the year that I would truly embrace the word energy. Energy in the fact that I only would put it into things and people that made me happy, people that gave this energy back.
Focusing on energy made me realize that I had to let go of some friendships. I had to let go of the people that were no longer serving me and giving me this energy back that I was putting into them. Was it hard? Absolutely. But I needed people who I could genuinely connect with. So I opened my arms up to new people, new souls. I held tightly to my few close friends and embraced more amazing friendships and people into my life.
This year I finally realized something. I am good enough on my own. I do not need a man to add to me, because I am WHOLE as is. I embraced my independence, I embraced my strengths and worked on building my confidence. And I learned that never will I ever again settle for a man. Never will I shrink myself for someone else.
This year showed me how privileged I truly am. Being in areas of poverty opened my eyes to how the world is still broken and I want to do more to change it. These experiences I have had ignited a spark within me to work towards repairing the world. I want to make an impact- I want to start change and do something greater. The world is hurting and so are thousands of people out there. I want to work harder to fix that.
“You cannot change what you refuse to confront.”
“Why be racist, sexist, homophobic, or transphobic when you could just be quiet?”
This year I embraced learning in way I never have before. I didn’t dread class. I saw it as an opportunity to gain more knowledge. So many people do not have this privilege of attending college, so why whine about it? Of course complaining is normal, but recognizing how blessed I am to have this experience really switched my mindset about school around. It is not all about the grades, it’s about what you learn and what you truly take out of it.
Hardship. Pain. Embrace. Growth. Learn. Energy. Love. Compassion. Gratitude.
Just a few of the words that have shown me a lot this year.
Always.. “Be strong and sturdy like wood. Be fluid and flow like water.”
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