*This post may contain triggering content for some. Take care of yourself always.*
I met you when I was in the midst of my eating disorder. You came like a hurricane, so fierce and strong. Combined with my eating disorder, you were certainly a force to be reckoned with. Just like a hurricane, I had to let you run your course. So young me at just 15 years old sat in awe at the power of your winds. I let you sweep me away.
At first I understood why you were there. I was starving myself, so I was sad. All. The. Time. But 4 years later, I didn’t understand why you wanted to come back. I let you run your course. I picked up your mess and let your winds make me cold. You showed me what it was like to be so scared and exhausted. You brought anti-depressants into my life. I already dealt with your torrential rain but you came back with a calm in your eye knowing your rain had the ability to hit me even harder.
I didn’t understand at first why I felt so sad. I had everything I wanted-friends, a college education, a blog, a wonderful family, a boyfriend, activities that I loved. At first I was really good at shaking you off. If I felt the slightest bit of sadness I could pretend like you weren’t there. It was easy. Put on a smile and pretend like all was well. But with time, you wouldn’t go away so easy. You latched onto me like glue and boy was it tiring trying to peel you off.
Tears fell, drop by drop, on my pillow case. Every night you brought a feeling of emptiness into my chest, a pit in my stomach. Dreading the day ahead of me before it even started. I still had you under control though. With the help from friends I was able to peel you off my side and move with a smile through at least half the day.
No one understood how easily you could creep in. So sly and quiet, so effortlessly you came back onto my side. Your dark clouds caged every ounce of joy I had left in me. My friends and family tried tirelessly to remove you from my side but you pulled me too far in. Your thunder was so loud and your rain made me shiver. Making it through the day was a victory, but I could never break free completely. At night time you returned fiercely. As if the darkness wasn’t enough at night, you brought more darkness into my mind. These demons made me feel like I was sinking so deeply and my tears added to your rain- flooding everything around me and gasping for air. I used to love nighttime and seeing the stars from my window. But you made nighttime dreadful. You took away the stars and made me feel so alone. There was not the tiniest bit of light.
When people asked how I was feeling, I could never articulate it into words. So you always just had me say “fine.” It was an automated response. You told me I was fine, you told me the people in my life were fine. You made me believe that it was normal walking around wanting to cry all day, living a life with a cloud over your head and feeling undeserving of happiness. But the hardest thing you made me feel? Worthless. Worthless of love, worthless of life, worthless of joy. You made me keep all this in for it was my hurricane I was stuck in, not anyone else’s. Only I deserved the cold downpour on my bare skin.
I was tired of walking through your winds. I was exhausted living with you by my side. You sucked all of the energy out of me and all I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep was my escape from the world, and I needed all the breaks I could get from you. I thought about taking a permanent break several times for I felt I could not keep living in this world if you were in it.
I didn’t think I had a breaking point. I was invincible. I was strong. I was the person that people looked up to for recovering from an eating disorder. But every person cracks. And my goodness did I crack in many different places.
But it was a Saturday night where I couldn’t take you any longer. I felt so worthless of life and I couldn’t do this whole “having hope” thing any longer. I couldn’t dare to live another day for there was nothing else to live for. I didn’t know what I loved anymore for you took that from me. You took my passions and my positivity right from the palms of my hands. I was in so much pain and agony. My mind was worn-out. You had taken a toll on me. The days and nights of turmoil that you caused me made my soul so exhausted. So I did what you told me to do: I picked up the scissors and cut my wrist. It was the only way you said I could cope with the pain. So I did just that. I watched as I precisely made marks on my wrists, tears running down my face hitting the pillow case with such ease. I was broken.
Dear depression, you were a ferocious hurricane- so strong you tore me apart. But you did not sweep me off this planet.
Dear depression, I do not hate you. I am not angry with you anymore. I am not ashamed of you. You proved to me how much of a fighter I truly am. Because of you, you opened to my eyes to the idea that it is okay to struggle. You showed me that it is okay to reach out for help in times of darkness. Dear depression, because of you, you taught me that I am a resilient human being. I can do all things, I can conquer the toughest of battles. Dear depression, thank you for showing me that I am stronger than my younger self could have ever imagined.
Dear depression, because of you, I am able to help others going through the struggles I once did. I am able to show people the beauty that is living. I am able to show people that they are worthy of life even when every thought in their mind is convincing them otherwise.
Dear depression, thank you for making me appreciate each inhale and exhale. Thank you for giving me gratitude for every day on this amazing planet. Thank you for showing me that life throws some pretty big waves and teaching me that I am capable of surfing them. You gave me the strength to ride these waves, no matter how big they get on some days.
Dear depression, you hurt me. You made me feel weak. You made me feel alone. But you did not take me from my loved ones and from the things I loved. You allowed me to grow into a wiser human, one that is always aware of her self-worth and magic within her veins.
To my depression- you tried to control my life. But just a reminder, I am the one in control. I control my happiness. I control my thinking. I can conquer your storm, no matter how big it is.
I am worthy of love. I am worthy of this space on Earth. I am worthy of laughter and a life of smiles. I am so damn worthy.
Thank you depression for awakening the belief in me that I am strong in my own power.
*To anyone that is struggling with depression, I am here for you. I am always an email/ Instagram/ Facebook message away. You are not alone in your battle. Have faith. Believe in the good things coming.*